Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Surviving the Holidays with a Broken Heart

While Christmas carols and holiday cheer bring joy to many hearts this time of year, the holiday season also stirs up feelings of loss for many people. I never really understood this idea until this year. I made a point to do my best to make this year special for Hunter even though my heart was not in it. Each happy moment just reminded me of what Wyatt would never have and what we would never get to share with him. Normally Christmas is full of magic and wonder for me, but this year I was just surviving.

I feared visiting with relatives and having to put on a happy face. I feared what Christmas morning would feel like without him, but then I decided to not pretend. I decided to just allow myself to enjoy what ever I could and feel what ever I felt. Christmas was different this year, but it wasn't awful. It was an interesting new perspective. I no longer had expectations of my own. I didn't have any big wish list for myself. I didn't care what the house looked like. In a way it was like I was just observing the holiday, and it was really kinda special.
I also made a point to include Wyatt in this day. I made a special ornament with his foot and hand prints. I remembered him and thought about him all day. I decided to start talking about him to Hunter a little too. He is too young now to really understand all of this, but I want him to grow up knowing that he is a big brother. I have a choice to allow this loss to taint everything good, or to allow the loss to inspire me. It will not be easy, but I am choosing to carry on his legacy by finding ways to make this world a better place.

1 comment:

  1. That seems like such a wise, healthy way to approach a difficult time. When I read, I thought about this Kahil Gibran quote about joy and sorrow:
    Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives? When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater." But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

    I sure hope your 2013 is one with much, much joy.