While Christmas carols and holiday cheer bring joy to many hearts this time of year, the holiday season also stirs up feelings of loss for many people. I never really understood this idea until this year. I made a point to do my best to make this year special for Hunter even though my heart was not in it. Each happy moment just reminded me of what Wyatt would never have and what we would never get to share with him. Normally Christmas is full of magic and wonder for me, but this year I was just surviving.
I feared visiting with relatives and having to put on a happy face. I feared what Christmas morning would feel like without him, but then I decided to not pretend. I decided to just allow myself to enjoy what ever I could and feel what ever I felt. Christmas was different this year, but it wasn't awful. It was an interesting new perspective. I no longer had expectations of my own. I didn't have any big wish list for myself. I didn't care what the house looked like. In a way it was like I was just observing the holiday, and it was really kinda special.