This story begins long before I was ever pregnant. It began the moment I imagined life as a Mommy. Pregnancy loss robs a parent from what could/should have been. It happened to us in 3 pregnancies taking 5 children. We lost twins to a miscarriage. We lost our little girl to a missed miscarriage. We lost Wyatt's tubal twin and then we lost Wyatt at 27 weeks and 2 days.
Life quickly taught me that things never play out the way we imagine, yet we still find joy in trying to picture what is to come. After dating Brook for a while, we discussed having 2 or 3 children. I pictured making memories together. I pictured taking trips, and spending holidays together. I imagined what my children would look like and talk like. Although I knew what I imagined wouldn't be the same as real life, I never expected experiencing such a deep loss, and I didn't expect that I would experience this loss multiple times.
Baby Fever:
I remember being worried that I wouldn't be a good mother because I had never really had that "baby fever" moment. I loved taking care of children, but I didn't have a strong urge to begin a having children of my own. I think working with children for so many years provided me with a more realistic picture of the work involved.
I also remember the moment that all changed. I was rocking a little baby boy, and he fell asleep in my arms at work. I looked at his precious face and thought, "I love you so much." Then I realized, that the little guy was not mine, and that his family could and would eventually take him out of my life. At that moment I began really dreaming of having children of my own.
Ignorance is Bliss:
It is hard to think about, but I remember my thoughts before our first loss. I remember discussing trying to plan out a pregnancy, as if we have any control. I used to have conversations with friends about what time of the year I wanted to have a baby. I talked about how many children I would have and how many years apart they would be. {Now I know how unimportant those conversations are.}
My first pregnancy actually seemed to fit right into that plan. I stopped birth control, and we officially began TTC. The very first month, the pregnancy test read positive! That's how I figured it was supposed to work. The responsibly of becoming parents was overwhelming, but so exciting! {I had no clue of all the things that could go wrong.}
I remember enjoying the right to complain about the pregnancy woes, and the right to glow with excitement. People warned us to not share the news right away, "just in case." I could not hold back this news. I told everyone. {Now I hate hearing people complain about being pregnant or having a new born, but then again, it makes me happy to know they still get to live in the blissful land of ignorance.}
Some days I wish I had never experienced any of this. I wish I could go back to being naively innocent, but then that would mean I would have never felt the love of all of my precious babies. The wish I have now is one that cannot be filled. I wish I could have them all here with me. I wish I could hold each of them and tell them how much I love each of them.
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