- Denial: At first I thought I was somehow lucky enough to skip this stage. I thought, "Of course I know this is real. I know he is gone, and that he is not coming back. I must have skipped over this stage because of the months of denial about the pregnancy complications." But then it hit me me like a ton of bricks. I woke up one morning and it all felt so real. The overwhelming feeling takes my breath away. This is a stage I come in and out of on a regular basis. I think I am doing okay, and then something reminds me of Wyatt. Usually it brings me to tears, but sometimes it sends me flying in to another stage.
- Anger: This is the hardest stage for me. The anger I have felt after loosing Wyatt makes me feel like I don't even know myself. Sometimes it's not even anger, but a general lack of compassion for other people. I have friends who are either pregnant or have newborns. For a long time, I couldn't even be happy for them. I hated myself for that. I also get angry for stupid reasons or no reason at all. I get mad at other people and at myself. I even sometimes feel angry toward Wyatt. That is something that I don't understand at all even though I have been told it's totally "normal."
- Depression: This is another stage that makes me not really know myself anymore. I used to be such an optimist. I found joy in little things. I always looked forward to the future. Now I have a hard time finding anything that brings a happy feeling. Things seem so pointless compared to this loss. We bought a new car, and I don't even care. I am surrounded by wonderful people, I have an amazing child and husband. There is good all around me, but I still feel so lost. I am on medication to help with this terrible feeling, so I can see some light at the end of the tunnel. I can believe that time will ease some of this pain.
- Other overwhelming feelings: I have a feeling of guilt on a daily basis. If I am having a good day, I feel bad for not caring enough. On bad days I feel guilty for not being the wife, mother or friend I should be. I also feel lost and unorganized. I have a hard time making even the simplest decision. Sometimes just getting dressed in the morning feels like an impossible task. I have an unending desire to understand what happened, why it happened and if I can prevent it from ever happening again.
I ask that you be patient while I grieve because I may not be the person you have known me to be. I may not be able to be the support or friend you need. I am working hard to figure myself out again. I do this for all of you, for Wyatt, my family, and myself. There is no timeline for grieving. As much as I would to just say, "I am done, and I am okay," I can't. All I can do is take care of myself, and allow myself to truly feel these feelings.