Sunday, December 9, 2012

Please Be Patient While I Grieve

This is a request I have for everyone around me, but especially for my self. Grief in general is one of those topics not often spoken of. In our society most of us are not taught much about this process. In my Psychology classes, we learned about the stages of grief. There are a couple common misconception about these stages. First off, the stages are meant to apply to a person who is dying, not for the survivors. The process is similar, so it does help give some understanding. Also people do not go through them in some perfect linear way. It is a very different process for each person and each situation. I am learning that there is no way to rush this process, and no one can take away this pain. For me, it's been like a roller coaster ride. Here are a few stages I have encountered so far.

  • Denial: At first I thought I was somehow lucky enough to skip this stage. I thought, "Of course I know this is real. I know he is gone, and that he is not coming back. I must have skipped over this stage because of the months of denial about the pregnancy complications." But then it hit me me like a ton of bricks. I woke up one morning and it all felt so real. The overwhelming feeling takes my breath away. This is a stage I come in and out of on a regular basis. I think I am doing okay, and then something reminds me of Wyatt. Usually it brings me to tears, but sometimes it sends me flying in to another stage.
  • Anger: This is the hardest stage for me. The anger I have felt after loosing Wyatt makes me feel like I don't even know myself. Sometimes it's not even anger, but a general lack of compassion for other people. I have friends who are either pregnant or have newborns. For a long time, I couldn't even be happy for them. I hated myself for that. I also get angry for stupid reasons or no reason at all. I get mad at other people and at myself. I even sometimes feel angry toward Wyatt. That is something that I don't understand at all even though I have been told it's totally "normal."
  • Depression: This is another stage that makes me not really know myself anymore. I used to be such an optimist. I found joy in little things. I always looked forward to the future. Now I have a hard time finding anything that brings a happy feeling. Things seem so pointless compared to this loss. We bought a new car, and I don't even care. I am surrounded by wonderful people, I have an amazing child and husband. There is good all around me, but I still feel so lost. I am on medication to help with this terrible feeling, so I can see some light at the end of the tunnel. I can believe that time will ease some of this pain. 
  • Other overwhelming feelings: I have a feeling of guilt on a daily basis. If I am having a good day, I feel bad for not caring enough. On bad days I feel guilty for not being the wife, mother or friend I should be. I also feel lost and unorganized. I have a hard time making even the simplest decision. Sometimes just getting dressed in the morning feels like an impossible task. I have an unending desire to understand what happened, why it happened and if I can prevent it from ever happening again.
I ask that you be patient while I grieve because I may not be the person you have known me to be. I may not be able to be the support or friend you need. I am working hard to figure myself out again. I do this for all of you, for Wyatt, my family, and myself. There is no timeline for grieving. As much as I would to just say,  "I am done, and I am okay," I can't. All I can do is take care of myself, and allow myself to truly feel these feelings.

1 comment:

  1. No one can tell you not to feel the guilt, but I so wish I could take that burden from you. If there was a way I could ask God to take some of the load you are carrying, I would, but I know that you have to go through all this because, as you said, it is part of the process. I can only speak for me, but I want to tell you that you need not worry about being the support and friend that I need. I only care that you focus on putting yourself first and taking care of YOU. And if I ever do or say anything that upsets you, please let me know. I don't ever want to add to your grief that you are going through. Just know that I am here if you need anything. I feel blessed that God has put you in my life.