Saturday, December 15, 2012

Our Story: The first loss

*This post is very detailed. I put this personal information on here with the hope that it may help other families who have or are currently going through a loss.* 

                                                              The complications Begin: 
  My first pregnancy started off so easily, but it quickly turned around. When the bleeding began, I started to panic. I made an appointment with my OB certain that something was really wrong. I remember laying on the table full of excitement and fear. It was such a strange combination of feelings. It was our first look at our first baby, but I just felt like something was so wrong. Our doctor quickly found a heart beat and assured us that everything looked fine. She said it looked like the bleeding was just implantation bleeding.

Our OB looked further with the ultrasound. She got a strange look on her face and said, "There is something else here. Oh, it has a heartbeat too." I couldn't believe my ears. Not only was our pregnancy just fine, we were having twins! New dreams began. I imagined what it would be like to be a parent of twins! "What a roller-coaster!" I thought. {Nothing like the roller-coaster that was to come.}

Sometimes a Mother just knows:
The bleeding continued, and so did my feeling that something was not right. I eventually began cramping and bleeding heavily. I went to the ER where they told me the heartbeats had stopped. They offered me pain medication which I declined and sent me home. I met with my OB, and she confirmed that we had lost both babies. She encouraged me to allow the process to happen naturally since my body had already begun the process. She prescribed me Vicodin, but I had no idea how much the process would physically hurt.

Helpless and alone:
Of course I wasn't actually alone. I have an amazing support network around me. Brook was by my side through all of it as well. But this was the overwhelming feeling I had. I knew nothing about miscarriage. No one ever talks about it. At least, no one ever talked to me about it. I didn't have a clue how it all would work. I didn't know what to expect. I tried to look things up online, but there was no way to really prepare me for what was coming. I was asked to try to collect the "remains" so they could try to give us some idea of what might have gone wrong.   

So much blood {gets graphic here sorry}:
Hours past and the cramps became worse. I sat in the shower so I could  be sure to collect the babies. The memory of this day still haunts me. I was bleeding so much and that is all I could focus on. The color red filled my mind and my thoughts. I went through so many emotions that I felt like I was going crazy. The pain of the cramps began to get so intense. I decided it was time to take the Vicodin. I waited a little too long though. The medication didn't have time to take effect before the real pain began. {The pain was comparable to actual contractions}

I can't do this anymore: {I only share this to help anyone else who may of had these thoughts}
This was one of the lowest points in my life. Brook and I had both been awake for so many hours. He fell asleep(right next to me on the bathroom floor), and I started to give up on life. I grabbed the bottle of pills and decided to take them all and be done. I really don't know what stopped me. Its not because I somehow could see beyond this horrible experience. I was living a nightmare. I think it is because it finally happened. I passed the babies. It was done, or so I thought. I remember looking at the sac. I felt this desire to inspect and see them. I was traumatized at what I saw. They were so small, but I could see eyes. {I am glad now that I took the time to see them. I wasn't holding "remains" I was holding my babies.}

So glad I told people:
Deciding on when to tell people about a pregnancy is a very personal decision. I am glad I told people early on. I had the most amazing support from my family and friends. I did learn to be a little more careful though. With this pregnancy I told everyone right away. I mean everyone. I remember telling the other people in the waiting room at the lab that I was pregnant and having twins! I was so excited I couldn't hold back. For future pregnancies I decided to only tell close people our news till it was safe. {I have learned since there really isn't a point that it is "safe"}

One miscarriage is common; it shouldn't happen again: 
The doctors couldn't find any reason for the loss. She told me that there was no need for further tests quite yet. She said miscarriage is so much more common than people realize and that sometimes they just happen. She told us to wait for a while till I was physically and emotionally ready to try again.

Maybe trying again will take away this pain:
Although the thought of another pregnancy was extremely terrifying, it was all I could think about. I decided to try and put this behind me and move on.{Worst idea ever. I am just now working on processing all of this.} I think I really believed that if I just got pregnant again, the pain would stop. Thank goodness my doctor encouraged us to wait a while.

                                                                        I wish:
I wish I didn't have feel so alone and unprepared for something that is "so common." That is why I am making a point to really talk and to let people know what this experience was like for me. Every loss is different because we are all different. But after talking to more people about my experiences I have learned that many of us have very similar stories and feelings. It helps to know that someone has a little idea of what we went through, and that we are not crazy; just grieving.

I wish I would have know the importance of going through the grieving process. I wish I would have honored these lives differently instead of trying to put them in my past. {Its never to late to do this. I am honoring them now because I am ready now.}

I wish we knew more about what causes all these losses. I wish there was a way to prevent such pain. So much research is being done, and statistics are changing, but statistics don't mean much when you are part of the 2% club.

I wish people could understand that an early miscarriage is a big deal. I wish I had understood that. I have experienced an early miscarriage, a missed miscarriage, a tubal loss, and delivering a stillborn child. Each experience brought on its own pain, but each experience was a really horrific loss. Wanting to be a parent and not getting to have that, "Just sucks!" as one of my amazing nurses once put it.

1 comment:

  1. I want to say thank you for being so honest with your personal feelings. I know it had to be so hard to share.Everything u said i have felt at some point in my losses.U write so well. And i know your sweet angels are so proud of there mama. Just as i know Hunter is so proud of his mama too.Your children are so blessed to have a special mama and daddy like you guys. Please know im here for u anytime. On Facebook u can find me under Linda Anderson.There is a picture of me and my granddaughter. Im from Menomonee Falls,Wisconsin.Please add me anytime. Again thank u for making this blog.Its truly beautiful and so loving.I can feel all your love for your children.And all the pain of losing them. Big loving hugs sweetie.I care about u.U have touched my heart.