Parents in the world of pregnancy and infant loss often refer to a child after a loss as a rainbow. It represents the beauty that comes after a storm. It's a beauty that can only come after a storm. Three weeks ago today, our second rainbow child entered the world and 3.5 years ago our Hunter became our first rainbow.
Today is Mother's Day. Today we celebrate mothers and children, yet today many people are grieving. Many people are just trying to survive this day as their hearts ache for the child, or parent they no longer have or for the child or parent they never had.
Today I celebrate; today I love, yet today my heart breaks for my 5 babies I cannot hold. I am torn today between amazing joy and tremendous pain. I question my right to celebrate just as I question my right to grieve. It somehow feels wrong to feel such joy, yet it feel selfish to still be grieving when I have been blessed with so much. My heart also breaks for those around me.
I remember the Mother's Days before my rainbows. I remember the storm that boiled inside of me as I watched others celebrate this day. My heart breaks for those who want a child in their arms so bad it physically hurts. My heart breaks for those who are still waiting for their rainbow. My heart breaks for those who are carrying around the burden of fear as they carry life inside of them or are waiting for an adoption to finalize.
I also think of those who are missing their own mothers today and for those who never experienced what it is like to have a loving mother by their side. Today is a wonderful day of celebration and a much needed day to thank some amazing people in our lives, but is also a very challenging day for so many. I hope you all know you are thought of and loved.
So although my heart is breaking, it is also being made full. I am thankful for my amazing supportive and awesome Mom and my beautiful children. I will choose to celebrate AND to allow myself to grieve. I have learned through these challenges that it is important to allow myself to feel what comes because pushing any feeling aside just causes more pain.
I ask that you all hold the mothers and children in your life close today and everyday that you get the opportunity, and that you remember those who are struggling today. Please remember the mothers who have lost a child are and always will be a mother and the children are and will forever be loved. Although I only have 2 children to raise, I will always be a mother of 7.
My dear Wyatt and my 4 other lost children,
I miss you every day, and I love you Still....
Here is a song and slide show I made for our Wyatt after we lost him...