Friday, October 4, 2013

**Trigger** Pregnancy following a loss: The roller coaster ride continues

At almost 11 weeks along, I feel like any pregnant Momma does. Constant nausea, migraines, exhaustion, and mood swings are all a part of the experience. I keep reminding myself that these are all good signs, and that I am blessed to have the opportunity to feel this way as a life grows inside of me. The trouble is, I am also coming upon the one year anniversary of losing our Wyatt.

When ever I begin to think of the memories of last year, I allow fear, and guilt to sneak back in. These are battles I thought I fought and won. I guess I will always question our decision to not deliver Wyatt early. I have repeated a phrase in my head for the last year trying to remind myself,
"We did everything we could for him and made the most difficult decision of our life based on love and research." Although I still know that statement is true, it is not making things easier as his birthday approaches.

One year ago today, my heart was filled with such HOPE. We had fought and won approval from our insurance company to fly to Illinois to meet with doctors who said Wyatt had a chance. On October 4th of 2012, I listened to Wyatt's heart beat and felt him move inside of me. We flew to Illinois and sat in our hotel waiting. The next day we were to meet with a THE doctor who delivered 2 of the smallest babies in the world. Those babies grew up to be healthy and happy adults.

The next day, October 5th, we met with the doctors. They told us that because he was so small, and because I was so low on fluid, they couldn't find his lungs. They also discovered that he was extremely anemic. That was in addition to the fact that he was so small he would likely break a record if he was born alive. They informed us that if he did survive he wouldn't be able to breathe on his own and that the interventions that would be required, would likely cause him to be blind. There were many other complications they discussed with us as well.

One thing they did say that will stick with me forever was something like this,  "What ever you choose, we will fight with you." At that moment I felt like I could let go of my Momma bear feeling and really think. I thought about what this would mean for Wyatt. He would be alive, but would likely suffer. I thought about Hunter and my marriage. I even thought about myself. I realized that although all I wanted in that moment was a live baby, that watching that baby suffer just so I could hear that precious cry, is not what I really wanted. We decided to fly home and allow Wyatt to pass peacefully in my womb.
Here is the post I made that day.....

 Wyatt update:
Just made the hardest decision in our lives to let Wyatt go peacefully protected in my womb. It shouldn't be much longer. He has made a turn for the worst and has even more complications than we thought. His chance of surviving birth are extremely low and we have decided to not intervene due to the high chance of suffering. This fight was all about Wyatt, and stopping the fight is for him as well. Thank you all for your support now and the continued support I know you will all be.

 I listened for his heartbeat many times a day the next few days. On October 7th I listened to that heartbeat for the last time before falling asleep. When I woke up on October 8th. I somehow knew I wouldn't find it ever again. I pulled out my Doppler (I-phone app) and searched anyway. I didn't find a heart beat. I called the doctor and headed to the hospital.

So here I am almost one year later trying to enjoy my current pregnancy. I get frustrated with myself when ever I feel like I can't handle these symptoms. Random moments of guilt hit me hard when ever I am happy about this new life inside of me. Although I know nothing could ever replace Wyatt, this new baby makes this upcoming birthday a little easier, yet in it's own way it makes things so much more confusing and difficult as well.

The extra hormones are not helping this roller-coaster of emotions either. I am often reminded by good friends and family to try and take care of myself. I am back to taking things moment by moment. I am going to do my best to allow myself to have happy moments with this pregnancy and forgive myself when I can't.


  1. I know these feelings exactly. The guilt crossed with feelings of joy...And the hormones don't help. I totally agree that having to go through Luke's first birthday knowing that he has a sister on the way in 3 months probably made things easier to face, but it also made me miss him that much more, because had we not lost him, we probably wouldn't be having her...

    Hang in there, Mama. This is a rough ride, and I can't wait for it to be over and just meet our crying baby in December. I know it will be worth it.

  2. I am so sorry that you understand my pain, but so thankful that you reached out. Sometimes this whole thing can feel so lonely.