Greiving without God

I know this post is going to surprise many people, but I am trying to be truthful with this blog. Please do not feel the need to "reach out to me" about religion or God. I am not giving up on the idea completely, I just wanted to blog about what it is like to grieve without a strong belief in God or Heaven. Also I am not upset about anything you all have said to me. I know you all meant well.

http://techlinkonline.net/2011/04/akiane-drawing-heaven/

Following the loss of my first three children, I was comforted by the thought that I will someday see those babies again. I loved imagining my babies in the arms of Jesus. I was able to lean on God for support through prayer. I was convinced that he would somehow make some good come out of this awful time in my life. This time is so much different. I don't know what I think anymore.

I want to be clear that I had been questioning my beliefs for a long time before losing Wyatt. I know many people lose their faith after a huge loss because they can not understand how God would allow such suffering. As far as I am concerned, I think if there is a God, he has the right to do what ever he wants even if that means doing nothing. Maybe he just set this world in motion and left it up to us. I don't know. For me, it would be so much easier to believe what I used to believe. I want so bad for all of my children to be waiting for me comforted in the arms of a loving God.

Losing Wyatt has made me even more desperate to seek for truth. I know I have a long journey ahead of me, but it is the most important one of my life. I wonder where my precious children are. I wonder if they are really gone forever. I wonder if they are free from pain and suffering. I wonder if I will ever see them again. There are so many different beliefs and views on afterlife.

I have read books like, Heaven is for Real and other accounts of people who said they have seen Heaven. Some stories are similar; some are completely different.Maybe everyone's Heaven is different? I don't know what is motivating people to share. Is it truth, money, attention, mental health issues? I wish I could just naively believe these wonderful stories people tell, but I am just to cynical I guess.  

I respect other people's beliefs, but I just don't want to continue ignoring nagging questions. Hopefully this journey will just bring me closer to God. If the Bible is true, it says seek and you will find. I Think this is talking about seeking God and the truth. That is what I am honestly doing, so if the Christian God is the real God, and the Bible is his word, then I believe I will be brought back to him. We will see. People have offered to study this with me. I am just not ready for that yet. I will let you all know if and when that time comes. I am doing my own research for now.