Today I feel depressed......
Throughout my life I have been told, "You are so strong." Somehow I got it in my head that I had to always be "so strong," but what does that really mean? To truly be strong a person needs to be honest and real, so hear goes.
Anxiety and depression have plagued my life for years, and today is no exception. Although I know that everything in my life right now is pretty fantastic, I can't shake these awful feelings of hopelessness and fear. Some days are better than others, and I am pretty good at putting up a front. Part of my intention with this blog is make pregnancy and infant loss less of a taboo subject, but there is one other subject that is often just as neglected, and that is mental health.
Each day I question my desire to put up such a front. One is a valid reason. If I try to seek the good out of everyday, I do feel a little better. If I allow myself to drown in these thoughts and feelings, I fear I will never climb out. But there is a difference in trying to pull myself up and trying to ignore the truth. The other reason I push these feelings aside is that I feel I don't have the right to feel this way. Although I have gone through some extremely challenging events, right now things are good. It feels wrong to be depressed when I have a healthy baby growing inside of me and a healthy son by my side.
Whether I should be allowed these feelings or not doesn't really matter. The fact is this is how I feel, and now I need to figure out what to do about it. In the past I have become so depressed and/or anxious, that I needed medication, and I am thankful that was an option. Since I am pregnant, I am going to try to avoid that option for now. I know exercise has helped me in the past, so I have signed up for a prenatal belly dance class. Today I am trying some Doterra essential oils as well. I am trying to think of things that sound fun or at least interesting, but I am having trouble thinking of anything. My therapist has reminded me that sometimes going through the motion of a "happy" person can help remind me of what I find good/fun. It's important to make yourself do things that were once fun and eventually these things will be fun again.
I wanted to be sure to post about this issue because so often people are afraid to talk about it. My therapist also pointed out that I am walking a difficult road right now. She said that most people following a traumatic event try to avoid anything that might trigger those memories. In my case, I am living those reminders everyday. This is actually a more healthy way to deal with trauma, but it is not easy. On top of all this, I am a hormonal mess and I am exhausted. I don't mean to sound ungrateful because there are many things about this pregnancy that are healing, but it does help me to understand where these thoughts and feelings are coming from.
So, there is an honest blog for you all. I hope it helps someone else out there. I know writing it has helped me.