I have been admiring the sky lately, and it almost feels like our Wyatt is somehow communicating with me. I took a picture of a cloud thinking that it looked like such a comfy place to rest. Then as I looked more closely, I noticed that it looked like an infant was resting in that very spot. I am still on a journey with my spiritual beliefs, but I have decided to enjoy the possibilities.
Rainbows are often used to describe a child that is born after a loss. It represents the beauty after a storm. Our Hunter was our first rainbow, and right now we are in the process of trying for our second rainbow. I looked into the sky once again, and saw a beautiful rainbow with a glimpse of a second rainbow trying to appear. Now I am not so egocentric to think this is an actual message to me, but it was a beautiful sight. The last few months have included me staring at the lines of either ovulation tests or pregnancy test trying to interpret that second line or possibility of a line. This almost double rainbow, felt like a gentle reminder to to just relax and enjoy the beauty in my life.
Trying to conceive after a loss can be an emotionally difficult task, but it is especially challenging when there are additional complications including fertility doctors, medications, etc. I am learning so much from this whole experience though. I am learning to stand up for myself. I am learning how to research, and how to trust Brook and my decisions even if they don't make sense to others.
When telling people of our plans for trying again, I have heard comments such as, "You are going to do that to your self again?" I have also been lectured by medical staff because of our decision to not speed up the process with ovulation medications. At first these things got me questioning myself all over again, but I know that we are making the best decisions based on the (very well researched) information we have in front of us. I ovulate on my own. My hormone levels have normalized. There is no need for any additional medications that could add risk to our future pregnancy. As far as the comment about us "doing this to ourselves," that is so far from how I feel about the blessing of getting to carry our little Wyatt for those 27week and 2 days. Anything with value comes with some pain, and any true loss can only be possible if a person was first blessed with something great!
So now we wait, talk with doctors, stare at lines and have more tests, but we know it is all part of the road we have to take to get to our double rainbow!