A Wave of Light Honoring all our Babies

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. This evening at 7pm in all time zones around the world, people will be lighting candles in honor of babies lost. Last year this day came only a week after we lost Wyatt. It provided us with an opportunity to grieve a little more publicly than we may have with out it. I invited others to light a candle in his honor. I was overwhelmed with the photos and kind words that came flooding in.

We lit candles for our 5 precious babies as well as a larger candle honoring the babies of friends and family as well as those I don't know. 

At this time, I remember feeling like I was just going through the motions, and in a way I was. I remember asking myself, "Why do we use flowers to help people who are grieving?" "What is the point of these ceremonies and candles and such?" A year later I have an answer to those questions. It's because we feel it's all we can do. It's because a year later, a calming thought goes through your mind that "I honored those lives the best I could at the time." It's more for the people going through grief than the ones lost. It's all an important part of the healing process.

Following my earlier losses, I worked hard to push feelings away. I made a point to forget dates and stay away from anything that might trigger a tear. I did my share of crying, but I never really let myself feel the true feelings of the loss. I was scared that I wouldn't be able to handle it. I was scared that others wouldn't understand. I was scared that if I allowed myself to sink so low, I would never get back out. Those fears were around with Wyatt's loss as well, but I had a different approach with his loss. I surrounded myself with people I love. I allowed myself to sink so deep into my grief that I scared my self, but I did get out! I came out stronger and with a fight and a mission.

I love this song. Re-arrange Again

 

"Let it all out; let your guard down; let it fall down, and Re-arrange again."

No one should have to grieve in silence. No one should feel alone during a time like this. I will talk about my babies. I will live a life that honors them. I will reach out to others in pain and be that shoulder so many amazing people have been for me.

For more information about the remembrance day as well as the Wave of Light event tonight at 7pm check out this link. http://www.october15th.com/

Honoring Wyatt

Today I woke up, and it felt like I was going through a crash version of each phase of grief. From denial to anger to questioning every impossible decision we were faced with. My main concern was figuring out a way to truly honor Wyatt. I worried that if I didn't do things exactly right or feel the "right" emotions I would be somehow letting him down.

  So how do you honor such a short life when that life made such a huge impact upon everyone one us? After many tears and a great appointment with my therapist, I realized that today was just a small part of a huge goal. I also realized that part of the advice to "take care of my self" is to allow myself to feel what ever I feel without judgement. This is something I will have to work on.We decided it was time to spread Wyatt's ashes. I had this beautiful plan in mind that we could spread his ashes at Galena Creek . I liked the idea that no mater where we are, I could find water and remember him. For so long I was worried to let go of the ashes. I felt like it was one of the last final things I could have a sense of control over. I have come to understand that control is only an illusion.

We took a few of his ashes and put it into a special memorial necklace. I put that necklace around the neck of a build of Bear that I made last year in his honor. The bear also has a sound recording of his heart beat. Although I know there is no way that bear could even come close to replacing our sweet Wyatt, I have learned that simple gestures like this are a healthy part of coping with grief.
 
On this beautiful crisp morning Brook and I took a walk and talked about our time with Wyatt. We took some flowers from our yard and let them float down the creek along side our precious Wyatt's ashes. It was a peaceful intimate moment that was perfect for us.

On October 13th, we will be participating in  A Time of Remembrance local event. During this time is when I will feel like I am truly honoring him. I am sharing the song I wrote, and giving a brief talk about our experience. I will be talking about the Spread the Love cards I created and some about a support group I helped to start. Northern Nevada MISS. 
 
I am going to honor Wyatt by creating a legacy for him. Because he was here, I have been changed. Because he was here, others will be comforted. Because he was here, random acts of kindness will be spread around the world.

**Trigger** Dear Wyatt: Happy Birthday

Dear Wyatt,

I awoke this morning with a broken, yet thankful heart. Today we should be happily celebrating your 1 year birthday. Today I should be hiding gifts around house, so you don't find them to try to open early. I should be making sure my camera is ready, so I can capture all the amazing memories of the day. I should be anticipating how you will react to a whole delicious cake sitting within reach.I should be able to hug you tight this special morning and tell you,"Happy Birthday! We all love you so much!" Even without all the things that should have been, I am still thankful for you and thankful for surviving a whole year with out you.

I am thankful that I was blessed with the opportunity to carry you for 27weeks and 2 days. I am thankful I was given the chance to love you, fight for you and be your Mommy. I am thankful for the amazing people I now have in my life because of you. I am thankful for how much I learned about my family and friend's love for me and for you. I am thankful for how you make me want to be a better Mommy for your brother Hunter.

Today we honor you, but that will never stop. Today we talk about you and remember you, and that will never stop. Today we celebrate you, miss you and love you more than you could know, an this will never stop.

My little fighter, my sweet precious boy, Happy Birthday! We all love and miss you so much!

With Love Always

Mommy

**Trigger** Pregnancy following a loss: The roller coaster ride continues

At almost 11 weeks along, I feel like any pregnant Momma does. Constant nausea, migraines, exhaustion, and mood swings are all a part of the experience. I keep reminding myself that these are all good signs, and that I am blessed to have the opportunity to feel this way as a life grows inside of me. The trouble is, I am also coming upon the one year anniversary of losing our Wyatt.

When ever I begin to think of the memories of last year, I allow fear, and guilt to sneak back in. These are battles I thought I fought and won. I guess I will always question our decision to not deliver Wyatt early. I have repeated a phrase in my head for the last year trying to remind myself,
"We did everything we could for him and made the most difficult decision of our life based on love and research." Although I still know that statement is true, it is not making things easier as his birthday approaches.

One year ago today, my heart was filled with such HOPE. We had fought and won approval from our insurance company to fly to Illinois to meet with doctors who said Wyatt had a chance. On October 4th of 2012, I listened to Wyatt's heart beat and felt him move inside of me. We flew to Illinois and sat in our hotel waiting. The next day we were to meet with a THE doctor who delivered 2 of the smallest babies in the world. Those babies grew up to be healthy and happy adults.

The next day, October 5th, we met with the doctors. They told us that because he was so small, and because I was so low on fluid, they couldn't find his lungs. They also discovered that he was extremely anemic. That was in addition to the fact that he was so small he would likely break a record if he was born alive. They informed us that if he did survive he wouldn't be able to breathe on his own and that the interventions that would be required, would likely cause him to be blind. There were many other complications they discussed with us as well.

One thing they did say that will stick with me forever was something like this,  "What ever you choose, we will fight with you." At that moment I felt like I could let go of my Momma bear feeling and really think. I thought about what this would mean for Wyatt. He would be alive, but would likely suffer. I thought about Hunter and my marriage. I even thought about myself. I realized that although all I wanted in that moment was a live baby, that watching that baby suffer just so I could hear that precious cry, is not what I really wanted. We decided to fly home and allow Wyatt to pass peacefully in my womb.
Here is the post I made that day.....

 Wyatt update:
Just made the hardest decision in our lives to let Wyatt go peacefully protected in my womb. It shouldn't be much longer. He has made a turn for the worst and has even more complications than we thought. His chance of surviving birth are extremely low and we have decided to not intervene due to the high chance of suffering. This fight was all about Wyatt, and stopping the fight is for him as well. Thank you all for your support now and the continued support I know you will all be.

 I listened for his heartbeat many times a day the next few days. On October 7th I listened to that heartbeat for the last time before falling asleep. When I woke up on October 8th. I somehow knew I wouldn't find it ever again. I pulled out my Doppler (I-phone app) and searched anyway. I didn't find a heart beat. I called the doctor and headed to the hospital.

So here I am almost one year later trying to enjoy my current pregnancy. I get frustrated with myself when ever I feel like I can't handle these symptoms. Random moments of guilt hit me hard when ever I am happy about this new life inside of me. Although I know nothing could ever replace Wyatt, this new baby makes this upcoming birthday a little easier, yet in it's own way it makes things so much more confusing and difficult as well.

The extra hormones are not helping this roller-coaster of emotions either. I am often reminded by good friends and family to try and take care of myself. I am back to taking things moment by moment. I am going to do my best to allow myself to have happy moments with this pregnancy and forgive myself when I can't.

***Trigger*** Anouncment.....

An internal struggle has me feeling as though I should hold back our excitement. I have asked my self why. I think there is always going to be some fear about another loss, but I realized that my biggest concern is how our news might make other loss families feel. I know people say that it is best to wait to make announcements until a certain point in a pregnancy. The thought behind this is that the risk of problems goes down over time. From my experience, I found it incredibly helpful that friends and family knew about my pregnancies early on. The support I received after each loss was invaluable!

A friend who experienced a loss once told me that she went from almost hating other pregnant women, to seeing it as a sign of hope. I am hoping that my story can provide this sense of hope for others. So after that long explanation, I am here to announce, I am pregnant!  I had my first ultrasound 2 weeks ago. The baby was measuring exactly where he/she should be. There are no signs of problems at this point! I asked about when I will see the high risk specialist and was told, "I don't see any reason that you would need to." I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

I had an additional ultrasound today. Everything was perfect! According to our doctor, I will be 9 weeks tomorrow. As he talked us through everything, he used the word, "normal" repetitively. I am not sure what to think of that word. It is definitely nice to hear. Just a word that will take time getting used to. 

Ignorance is bliss, but a pregnancy following a loss has it's advantages too. Every day as I walk around tired like a zombie and nauseous as a child who spins on a tire swing, I am smiling knowing that each of these unpleasant symptoms is a reminder that my body is working hard to provide everything our little baby needs. Our goal at this point is to enjoy as much as we can about this pregnancy.

Our EDD is 4/26/14

Thank you all for taking this journey beside us. I really don't know what we would do without you!

Our Story: A hint of a second rainbow? *Trigger

I have been admiring the sky lately, and it almost feels like our Wyatt is somehow communicating with me. I took a picture of a cloud thinking that it looked like such a comfy place to rest. Then as I looked more closely, I noticed that it looked like an infant was resting in that very spot. I am still on a journey with my spiritual beliefs, but I have decided to enjoy the possibilities. 

Rainbows are often used to describe a child that is born after a loss. It represents the beauty after a storm. Our Hunter was our first rainbow, and right now we are in the process of trying for our second rainbow. I looked into the sky once again, and saw a beautiful rainbow with a glimpse of a second rainbow trying to appear. Now I am not so egocentric to think this is an actual message to me, but it was a beautiful sight. The last few months have included me staring at the lines of either ovulation tests or pregnancy test trying to interpret that second line or possibility of a line. This almost double rainbow, felt like a gentle reminder to to just relax and enjoy the beauty in my life. 

Trying to conceive after a loss can be an emotionally difficult task, but it is especially challenging when there are additional complications including fertility doctors, medications, etc. I am learning so much from this whole experience though. I am learning to stand up for myself. I am learning how to research, and how to trust Brook and my decisions even if they don't make sense to others.

When telling people of our plans for trying again, I have heard comments such as, "You are going to do that to your self again?" I have also been lectured by medical staff because of our decision to not speed up the process with ovulation medications. At first these things got me questioning myself all over again, but I know that we are making the best decisions based on the (very well researched) information we have in front of us. I ovulate on my own.  My hormone levels have normalized. There is no need for any additional medications that could add risk to our future pregnancy. As far as the comment about us "doing this to ourselves," that is so far from how I feel about the blessing of getting to carry our little Wyatt for those 27week and 2 days. Anything with value comes with some pain, and any true loss can only be possible if a person was first blessed with something great!

So now we wait, talk with doctors, stare at lines and have more tests, but we know it is all part of the road we have to take to get to our double rainbow!

To Try or not to Try again, and with or with out medication???? *Trigger*

Today's post is mainly therapeutic for me. Maybe it will also help someone else; I don't know. Trying for another baby after a loss is extremely challenging, but this time seems so much harder. I was aware that using fertility medication carried its own risks, but I believed that the risks were lower than the risk of getting pregnant on our own. Now I am unsure.

Doctors have said, "You are a mystery. " or "I don't know how that happened to you, " or "at that point in pregnancy your chances of miscarrying should have dropped to 2%." My mom and I joke that I am in the 2% club. I have learned that statistics don't mean a whole lot when you are in that 2% multiple times.

After losing Wyatt at 27weeks and 2 days, I felt certain that I never wanted to try for another child again. Over time, those feelings changed from, "I want to get pregnant as soon as possible!" to "Maybe we can try again." We decided to wait 6 months. We planned to just meet with our fertility specialist and make a decision then.

At that appointment, we planned to just talk and ask questions, but by the end of it, we were scheduling an ultrasound for the next week to see if I could start back on Clomid. I asked for more clarification as to why we needed Clomid since I ovulate on my own and can get pregnant on my own. The first time it made sense to me because my cycle was as mess and my hormone tests came back a mess.He explained that even though my hormone levels were coming back normal, my abnormal cycle put a future pregnancy at risk. He said Clomid will help make sure I am getting pregnant at the right time. We left that appointment excited and nervous.

Our first round of Clomid worked, but I only produced eggs on my right side (no tube there anymore.) This got me worried about all this medication again. The tubal pregnancy that occurred simultaneously with Wyatt's pregnancy is one of the extremely rare situations, but when using fertility medications, it isn't quite as rare. The tubal most likely would not have happened if I hadn't been on Clomid. That tubal pregnancy was missed by 2 different doctors and continued to grow almost to the point of rupture!

I was so disappointed that we couldn't try that month, but I also had a small sense of relief because it all seemed to be happening so fast. The next month I came for my first ultrasound and they said that  my lining was extremely thin, and I had 2 large cysts on my right ovary. So they put me back on birth control. :( I was then told that they would have to switch medications because I had a few of those RARE side effects from Clomid.

Today I sit and wonder if the medications I took to get pregnant with Wyatt might have played a role in his demise? They say his loss was caused by an early blood clot that bled into my placenta causing him to not be able to grow properly. I keep going back to the question, "What caused that blood clot?" They say the tests all come back normal, so it was just "bad luck." I wonder though if having at least 3 mature eggs released by the HCG shot had something to do with that bad luck. So one became Wyatt, one got stuck in my tube, what happened to the other egg? I have read that in RARE situations an egg can become unattached and cause a bleed. So maybe those rare risks were not lower than the risk of trying this with out the meds?

My doctor feels that my cycle is too messed up to safely do this on our own. It has been soooo long since I have not been pregnant, nursing, or on birth control/other medications. I have no clue what my cycle is like. We had decided to take a break from all this and just enjoy the summer. I am reading books about fertility and charting my temps etc. I was very excited about this plan until today.

I am supposed to go in for that initial ultrasound, but instead, we are going to wait. Everything seems different when planning for the future till that point in time comes. I don't know what I want now. I don't know what we should do. If we try on our own and miscarry, I don't know how I will react. If we take the medications and have birth defects or other complications, I will question myself for ever.

So I sit, phone in hand, waiting for the doctor to call........