I have been admiring the sky lately, and it almost feels like our Wyatt is somehow communicating with me. I took a picture of a cloud thinking that it looked like such a comfy place to rest. Then as I looked more closely, I noticed that it looked like an infant was resting in that very spot. I am still on a journey with my spiritual beliefs, but I have decided to enjoy the possibilities.
Rainbows are often used to describe a child that is born after a loss. It represents the beauty after a storm. Our Hunter was our first rainbow, and right now we are in the process of trying for our second rainbow. I looked into the sky once again, and saw a beautiful rainbow with a glimpse of a second rainbow trying to appear. Now I am not so egocentric to think this is an actual message to me, but it was a beautiful sight. The last few months have included me staring at the lines of either ovulation tests or pregnancy test trying to interpret that second line or possibility of a line. This almost double rainbow, felt like a gentle reminder to to just relax and enjoy the beauty in my life.
Trying to conceive after a loss can be an emotionally difficult task, but it is especially challenging when there are additional complications including fertility doctors, medications, etc. I am learning so much from this whole experience though. I am learning to stand up for myself. I am learning how to research, and how to trust Brook and my decisions even if they don't make sense to others.
When telling people of our plans for trying again, I have heard comments such as, "You are going to do that to your self again?" I have also been lectured by medical staff because of our decision to not speed up the process with ovulation medications. At first these things got me questioning myself all over again, but I know that we are making the best decisions based on the (very well researched) information we have in front of us. I ovulate on my own. My hormone levels have normalized. There is no need for any additional medications that could add risk to our future pregnancy. As far as the comment about us "doing this to ourselves," that is so far from how I feel about the blessing of getting to carry our little Wyatt for those 27week and 2 days. Anything with value comes with some pain, and any true loss can only be possible if a person was first blessed with something great!
So now we wait, talk with doctors, stare at lines and have more tests, but we know it is all part of the road we have to take to get to our double rainbow!
Today's post is mainly therapeutic for me. Maybe it will also help someone else; I don't know. Trying for another baby after a loss is extremely challenging, but this time seems so much harder. I was aware that using fertility medication carried its own risks, but I believed that the risks were lower than the risk of getting pregnant on our own. Now I am unsure.
Doctors have said, "You are a mystery. " or "I don't know how that
happened to you, " or "at that point in pregnancy your chances of
miscarrying should have dropped to 2%." My mom and I joke that I am in the 2% club. I have learned that statistics don't mean a whole lot when you are in that 2% multiple times.
After losing Wyatt at 27weeks and 2 days, I felt certain that I never wanted to try for another child again. Over time, those feelings changed from, "I want to get pregnant as soon as possible!" to "Maybe we can try again." We decided to wait 6 months. We planned to just meet with our fertility specialist and make a decision then.
At that appointment, we planned to just talk and ask questions, but by the end of it, we were scheduling an ultrasound for the next week to see if I could start back on Clomid. I asked for more clarification as to why we needed Clomid since I ovulate on my own and can get pregnant on my own. The first time it made sense to me because my cycle was as mess and my hormone tests came back a mess.He explained that even though my hormone levels were coming back normal, my abnormal cycle put a future pregnancy at risk. He said Clomid will help make sure I am getting pregnant at the right time. We left that appointment excited and nervous.
Our first round of Clomid worked, but I only produced eggs on my right side (no tube there anymore.) This got me worried about all this medication again. The tubal pregnancy that occurred simultaneously with Wyatt's pregnancy is one of the extremely rare situations, but when using fertility medications, it isn't quite as rare. The tubal most likely would not have happened if I hadn't been on Clomid. That tubal pregnancy was missed by 2 different doctors and continued to grow almost to the point of rupture!
I was so disappointed that we couldn't try that month, but I also had a small sense of relief because it all seemed to be happening so fast. The next month I came for my first ultrasound and they said that my lining was extremely thin, and I had 2 large cysts on my right ovary. So they put me back on birth control. :( I was then told that they would have to switch medications because I had a few of those RARE side effects from Clomid.
Today I sit and wonder if the medications I took to get pregnant with Wyatt might have played a role in his demise? They say his loss was caused by an early blood clot that bled into my placenta causing him to not be able to grow properly. I keep going back to the question, "What caused that blood clot?" They say the tests all come back normal, so it was just "bad luck." I wonder though if having at least 3 mature eggs released by the HCG shot had something to do with that bad luck. So one became Wyatt, one got stuck in my tube, what happened to the other egg? I have read that in RARE situations an egg can become unattached and cause a bleed. So maybe those rare risks were not lower than the risk of trying this with out the meds?
My doctor feels that my cycle is too messed up to safely do this on our own. It has been soooo long since I have not been pregnant, nursing, or on birth control/other medications. I have no clue what my cycle is like. We had decided to take a break from all this and just enjoy the summer. I am reading books about fertility and charting my temps etc. I was very excited about this plan until today.
I am supposed to go in for that initial ultrasound, but instead, we are going to wait. Everything seems different when planning for the future till that point in time comes. I don't know what I want now. I don't know what we should do. If we try on our own and miscarry, I don't know how I will react. If we take the medications and have birth defects or other complications, I will question myself for ever.
So I sit, phone in hand, waiting for the doctor to call........
People often say that they don't know what to do or say to help someone in our situation. The truth is, there is no one right thing to do or say, but here is some advice given to me by other mothers who have lost a child. The advice was given to me personally about my situation. We knew we would be losing Wyatt ahead of time, so we were able to do some of the things listed here that may not have been possible for another family.
What I would like to express clearly is that these are all suggestions.
Everyone needs to figure out what is best for their own situation. We all handle these things in our own way, but hearing what helped others or what others regret, we can handle this experience with more peace.
"The
anxiety was worse than the experience."- This is something shared by another mother that stuck with me most. In some strange way, the day Wyatt was born, was one of the saddest and one of the most amazing days of my life.
"Enjoy every one of these last moments with
your precious little one."- This is something that I strove to accomplish through out this challenging and scary pregnancy. I have learned from my previous losses and my amazing blessings, that I do not have control and that nothing should be taken for granted. I focused on what we did have. I celebrated the life inside of me, and I don't regret a single second of the joy he brought us. "While there is hope, we hope."- This is a quote from an awesome labor and delivery nurse. Even when the doctors said Wyatt had no chance, she understood the heart of a mother who just couldn't give up.
"Hold your Wyatt no matter what." - There was no way I could have prepared myself for the emotions that rushed through my heart while holding my sweet boy. I am so thankful to this mother for encouraging me to spend time holding him and admiring every little feature.
"Make
sure you get pictures and molds of the hands and feet."
This is a photo taken by the nurses that I will treasure for ever!
Here are a few other things I would add:
Be sure to speak up and ask to keep anything that you want to remember your baby.- The
nurses put together a heartwarming box with many items that will help
us to remember that beautiful day. A mom had recommended that since I
had time, to make him something special. The night before we lost him, I
sewed a little blanket for him. It was such an amazing experience to be
able to do something so special for him.
Bring some sort of lotion or oil to rub on your baby's skin, so you will always have a special smell to remember you precious child.-This is something I wish I had done.
Be sure to have your own camera for others to take pictures. It may seem like a strange thing to do, but those photos can really help in the grieving process-Photos of Wyatt are some of my most treasured possessions. There is a an organization called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep that was a wonderful blessing for us, but we also cherish the photos we took as well as the photos the nurses took.
Here is a good list of things to consider getting photos of:
A picture right after the baby is born
Photos of every part of your baby. You don't have to look at them, but you may want to have those photos to look over later and remember every detail.
A picture of you holding your baby
A picture of other family and friends holding your baby
A picture of your midwife, doula, doctor, nurses etc. with you and the baby
A picture of your baby's hands and feet
A picture of you kissing your baby
Your baby undressed as well as dressed if you are able
Take high quality photos in a normal setting.-you can always edit later
If you are able, a video would be a great thing to have.- I wish we had one
Learn as much as you can about grief as you embark on this journey.
One of the most important things to know is that the timing and process varies from person to person as well as from experience to experience.- We were given a hand out that outlined the stages of grief along with a time line. Thank goodness I new better. That is not how grief works. There are stages that we all go through, but for me it comes and goes in waves.
Grief is a very Personal experience. I am still learning to understand my husband's way of grieving.
Grief can make you feel like you are going crazy. (I met a wonderful mother soon after our loss. She had also lost her little boy. She came over and just listed to me talk. It was so healing to hear her repeat the words, "That's normal, that's normal. I remember feeling that way or acting that way.")
You don't have to grieve alone. I found support locally through a great friend. I discussed my feeling with a counselor. I also sought out support groups online. There are many avenues of support. In some areas it is easier than others, but don't give up.
Find a way to honor your child
I painted a wood box for his keepsakes.
I have a special area in my room displaying his photo along with a Candle and Build a Bear made for him.
I made a necklace with a picture of his feet and 4 beads representing the other 4 children we have lost.
It took me a long time, but I eventually started a blog, a Facebook page and started what I call "Share the Love."
I make a point to talk about him and remember him.
Remember the siblings- Our little guy was pretty young, so we haven't fully explained to him what happened, but he does know that Wyatt is his little brother and that he is gone. We saw some behavioral changes with him, but I think it had more to do with him seeing me crying and the change in my parenting style. We decided it would be best for everyone if he went to my friend's childcare program a few days a week. I wanted him to be able to have fun while I had time to grieve.
There are books for siblings.
Some children may need to see a counselor of their own.
Make sure someone is able to tend to their needs.
Try to remember that most people mean well even if they say things that are not helpful.
I made a point to always hear, "I love you and I care." no matter what was said to me.
It is okay to tell someone that what they are saying is hurtful or not helpful.
It is also okay to just not respond at all.
Everyone one reacts to a loss differently. They may be grieving as well.
Music and artistic expression helped me in my darkest times.
You don't have to be even close to professional; its about the process not the product.
This can be something for just you or shared with people close to you
Making crafts, listening to music, writing music, writing poems, etc. are all great outlets.
Writing in a journal or a blog can be healing as well.
Baby Center has a forum, but I would recommend joining one on a site that is just for mom's. who have lost a child. This one has baby pictures all over it.
October 8th, 2012, I awoke with an unfamiliar feeling. Something was different, and I knew what it was. Just like every morning, I searched for that amazing sound of a life inside of me, but as I already somehow knew; there was no heartbeat to be found.
The emotions that flooded my heart surprised me.
Relief was the first emotion. We were told for so long that we were going to lose him, but I never gave up hoping they were wrong. How could I? I could feel him move. I could hear the strong beat of his heart. The last few months had already been full of so much heart break. This feeling was so different. I knew that it was finally truly out of my hands. There were no more decisions to make, and no more wondering if there was something I could do to change his fate. I also knew that I would get to hold him soon.
I was scheduled to see the high risk specialist that day, which I was dreading. I worried for that "I told you so." reaction from her. I had it in my calender as "Get to see Wyatt." That was the only thing that made those appointments bearable. I didn't know that I would actually really get to "see" Wyatt that day. It infuriates me now to think that in such an important and difficult time in my life, that one of my first thoughts was about that doctor.
Guilt was the next emotion to set in. I felt awful that it gave me peace knowing he was gone. I couldn't understand how something so terrible could inspire positive emotions. I felt like I was being selfish and uncaring. I also felt guilty thinking there may have been something else I should have done and that maybe we made the wrong decision. Placing blame on oneself is something Mothers do best. Although I struggle with this guilt feeling every once in a while, I do know that it was totally understandable to feel relief and that we made the best decision in that moment out of love.
After telling Brook that the heart beat was no longer there. I called my regular OB. She said if we could get to labor and delivery quickly, she would still be there to do the ultrasound. I wouldn't have wanted anyone else, so we headed over right away. She confirmed that his heart had stopped and began explaining what would happen next.
She gave us the option of waiting for a while, so she could deliver him. (She had been on call all night and had to leave.) As much as I love Dr. Najima and wanted her there, I needed this to be done. We decided to start the induction right away. She was so supportive the whole time, and stood by every decision we made; even when I could tell she didn't agree. In that moment, she assured me that she knew we fought as hard as we could for Wyatt. She hugged me with one of her strong hugs and truly comforted me.
My mom made sure to notify the high risk specialist that I wouldn't be coming to that dreaded appointment. She called Tiffany, my amazing doula, and let her know what was going on. A call was also made to a photographer with the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep organization. One advantage to the months of torment we endured, was time. We were able to prepare for this day. Everyone who knows me knows that I am a planner. I wanted to make this day as peaceful as possible.
With the help of my mom, we tried to make as many arrangements ahead of time as we could. I knew that I would want the day to be about meeting Wyatt and saying goodbye. I tried to see if we could make decisions about his autopsy, cremation, etc. before his birth. My mom left messages with the social worker, and didn't ever get a call back. I asked everyone questions about how all this worked and got no clear answers. I was told that a social worker would come and walk us through all this at his birth. A social worker never came.
I found support online from other mothers who have lost a baby and had to deliver. One of the most helpful quotes about another mother's birth was, "The anxiety was worse than the experience." When the idea first came up that I might have to deliver a dead child, I felt as if I would rather die then experience such a thing. I wanted to know why they would make a mother go through this. I couldn't understand whey they couldn't just take the baby via C-section. I am so thankful now that I was able to deliver him, see him and hold him.
I am particularly thankful to one mother I met through this online support group on Baby Center. She outlined what she thought was really important to know when going through a loss such as this. She passionately expressed the importance of photos, holding Wyatt, and spending as much time as I wanted with him. She told me how scared she was to see her child, and that she had many regrets she didn't want any other mother to have. Others recommended that I make something special for him, and be sure to save anything that would remind me of that day. ( I will make a separate post about what others recommended along with a few things of my own as well as some resources that were helpful to me.)
The night before this day, I decided that I needed to finish the little blanket I was making for him. I am not much of a seamstress, but I did sit and hand sew a little blanket for him. It was an amazing feeling to be able to do something for him. I added the blanket to a box of supplies to take to his birth. In that box there was a little notebook, a photo book, some blankets from friends, a kit to make a mold of Wyatt's foot prints, and Christmas ornament kit. (much of this stuff was from a great organization that supports families in our situation)
There is nothing that will make me understand why it is necessary for a mother to deliver a stillborn child in the labor and delivery unit especially in my case when there was time to prepare. It is cruel to make a mother go through such a thing while hearing other newborns crying. We were told it had to be done this way because that is where the nurses and doctors are and because that is where the equipment is. From what I could see, all the "needed" equipment was on wheels, and I would think that in such a case, a doctor or nurse could walk to anther area of the hospital. They did put me in a room down the hall trying to help avoid me seeing or hearing other families, but they also had another mother close by who had a risky situation, so I could hear her. There were empty rooms on that floor even.
They checked me and let me know that I was already dilated some. They started the induction, and we waited. The nurses gave us pamphlets about grief and a list of resources. We quickly noticed that almost all the resources were not local. There was a support group listed, but we found out later that it didn't really exist. They handed me a list of mortuaries and asked us to pick one out. I couldn't even breathe. It all seemed so final. I handed the papers to Brook and asked him to handle that part. During this time, I wanted to just have my family around. Brook, my Mom, and my friend Sandra were all there. My dad came later. We also had Hunter visit. He brought me more comfort than he will ever know. We decided to only let him stay for a little while. Everyone took turns walking him around the hospital to keep him busy.
I kept asking for someone to call the photographers. I really wanted them there right after the birth. I was told it would still be a while and that we should wait to call them.
I was told that there is no reason I should have to feel any contraction pain. We decided that I would get an epidural right away. I started feeling the contractions, and my mom called my doula. The anesthesiologist gave me the epidural. I could still feel the contractions and it made me angry. I was worried that the epidural wasn't working. (That happened with Hunter's birth) I wasn't in extreme pain, but I didn't want to feel anything. I kept asking about it, and they finally came in and gave me more medication. It made my legs really numb, but I could still feel the contractions.
My blood pressure was skyrocketing a this point. Tiffany came in at the perfect time. I was starting to get really stressed. She asked everyone to leave and turned down the lights. She put essential oils on me and did a Reiki session to help me focus just on that moment and just on Wyatt. I let go of any guilt I felt about my earlier losses. She helped me to imagine saying goodbye to them because I felt as though I didn't do enough for them. I had pushed them all behind me because it hurt too much to think of the losses. I remember imagining them all on a bridge. I told them how much I loved them and let them know that I planned to honor them, but at that moment, I needed this to be about Wyatt.
When the nurses came back in they told me that what ever my doula did, it lowered my blood pressure dramatically. They said they were so shocked as they watched the monitor. I was finally starting to relax again.
As I look through pictures of this day, the look on my face showed sadness, but also peace. I noticed that look change in one picture. I couldn't figure out what emotion this face was showing until I saw the next photo. My high risk specialist that I was so glad I didn't have to see came into the the delivery room! She didn't say, "I am sorry for your loss." or any kind word. She had a smirk on her face and said, "Things didn't turn out the way you wanted, did they?" She managed to get that 'I told ya so' in after all. She left and my family knew exactly what I needed at that moment was
Hunter. He climbed up into my bed and gave me the biggest hug. Then we
sent Hunter out of the room because it was getting closer to time to
deliver.
My best friend from high school was there by my request. She was with me while I was in labor with Hunter and she was an amazing support. I knew I needed her there. She even styled my hair for me.
The doctor came in and said that it was time to deliver Wyatt. I turned towards where I thought Brook was sitting, and he wasn't there. I asked the doctor if we could wait till he came back. I asked mom where Brook went, and she said he had to go run an errand. I felt so angry and betrayed. I couldn't understand why he would leave.
The doctor kept asking if we were ready. I pleaded with him to wait till my husband could be there. He said we could. Finally I was told the real reason for why Brook left. Hunter had a high fever and he had to go get some medication. The hospital shops were closed, and the only way they could give him medication is to bring him to the ER. Hunter has febrile seizures when his temperature gets high quickly. They didn't want to tell me because they didn't want me to worry. They got a hold of Brook, and he came back as quickly as he could.
I almost told the doctor that I would start pushing before Brook came back because I figured it would take a while. I am so glad we waited because Wyatt came out in one push still in the sack! This was a great relief because they warned me that they expected Wyatt to come out quickly, but that sometimes there are complications with the placenta that in some cases require surgery.
That moment was completely different than I could have ever imagined. I had been so scared about what I would see, and how I would feel. A feeling of pride filled my heart as I admired how perfect he was and how peaceful he looked. At first I was afraid to touch him, but the nurses assured me I could. I made sure to pay attention to every little thing about him. Even so small, he looked a lot like his big brother. I remember he had the most precious little hands and feet. He had his brother's nose.
There was a call made to the photographers, but in the mean time we took photos of our own. After reading other mother's stories, I knew these photos would be so important to me. The nurses wanted to get his measurements after the photos. They asked if I would like them to bring him back to me. They told me I could have as much time as I wanted. I knew that I may not be able to let him go if there wasn't a reason. We told them that we wanted to say our last goodbyes before they took him. Right before they walked out of the room, I asked for them to bring him back to me because I wanted to kiss his little head.
The doctor said I could go home as soon as my legs were no longer too numb to walk. They wanted me to use the restroom, and then I could leave. They said I could stay the night if I wanted. At first I thought I wanted to stay, but I changed my mind. I knew my home is where I wanted to be. My doula, Tiffany stayed to support me until I told her I was ready to spend time with just my family.
I was pretty thankful that even though I was in the labor and delivery unit, I hadn't heard too many sounds of other families celebrating a live birth. As I was relaxing and waiting for my legs to work again, I heard the dreaded sound. It hit me really hard at that moment when I heard the sound of a brand new baby crying. I realized that I would never get to hear my precious Wyatt cry.
It has taken me a long time to be able to put my thoughts about this day into words. It was a day full of so many mixed emotions, but I would have to say the strongest feelings I had that day were of peace and pride. It was an amazing experience to get to hold Wyatt and say goodbye. He was such a perfect little boy, just too small to make it in this world.
Wyatt Grant Stine 8:10pm October 8th 9.5 ounces 8 inches long.
Warning; This is a long blog full of details and triggers.....
This is a link to the slide show I made for Wyatt. I wrote the song. Brook accompanied me with the piano while I sang.
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Six months ago today was a day that most would think would stay as a terrible memory in my mind, yet that day is one I will cherish for all time. The nightmare started long before Wyatt was delivered still. With support from some amazing people, his birth was surprisingly peaceful. Of course it is difficult to give birth to a child that you know cannot cry, but that was the day I was able to hold him, and see his precious face. It was also the day that I knew he was not suffering.
As I have shared before, any pregnancy after a loss is challenging. It is very hard to relax and enjoy the moments. This pregnancy was following a happy birth story though, so I was more hopeful. I knew that I had little control over the outcome, so I did my very best to be healthy for him, and my very best to value every moment we had together. I love the quote my dear friend Joy, put on his candle. "Even the Smallest of Feet have the Power to Leave Everlasting Footprints."
I will always remember finding out I was pregnant with him. I will always remember anxiously waiting for my appointments. I would mark it in my calendar as "Get to see Wyatt." My favorite part of pregnancy is feeling a life move inside of me. I will also remember the first time I heard his little heart beat, and the many other times I listened to it. I will always remember throwing a "Gender reveling party, " announcing we were having a girl, only to find out he was actually a boy. ;) I also will always remember when the doctors gave us scary news, and when we had to make the most difficult decisions of our lives. I will always remember his twin and having surgery to remove the baby from my tube. I was asked once, "If you had the choice, would you do it again." My answer is "Of course." Even knowing what the outcome would be, I would do it all again. Although their lives were so very short, they were alive, and we shared those moments together in the closest bond anyone can have.
It's taken me a while to get this story put in writing. This pregnancy was filled with so much anxiety along with the love. Here goes....
We decided to start trying again after getting some promising results from a laparoscopic surgery and blood tests. We had a reassuring appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist specialist that helped us have a successful pregnancy with Hunter. He informed us that my hormone levels had dramatically improved, and my surgery showed that everything was in perfect working order.
I started on Clomid and Progesterone, just like with Hunter. I started taking ovulation tests and all that. When it was positive, I called and arranged an appointment for an ultrasound. The nurse said it wasn't necessary, but she would arrange it if I wanted. With Hunter's pregnancy they made a big point that this ultrasound was very important because there is a slim chance the Clomid could make me create too many eggs. Everything about my pregnancies were not typical.
Thank goodness I went in, because she found that I had 3 mature eggs as well as others that were growing. She gave me a HCG shot that day to prevent the others from forming as well. The HCG shot gives you false positives on the home tests, so I was asked to have a blood test done after the effects were supposed to wear off. If you know me at all, you would know that I am not that patient. I read online that you could, test out the HCG. So I bought a whole bunch of cheap tests and tested everyday watching the lines get dimmer and dimmer. I was so frustrated though because that second line wasn't going away. The tests were not
supposed to be accurate until the line went away and then started to come back. Well the line never went away and then started to get darker.
Of course I did some research and started to wonder if that meant multiples!! Although I know having twins would be extremely challenging, I was hoping that was the case. After losing our first set of twins, it just felt right.Then I started worrying because we had THREE eggs. Oh my, I wasn't ready for that!
I was convinced we were pregnant, but Brook wouldn't acknowledge it. He said he would believe it when the blood tests came back. It didn't seem as though he ever relaxed enough to grow attached to this pregnancy. That is one of the many ways we experienced this loss differently. The blood test came back with pretty high numbers. They said I was certainly pregnant! HCG can very so much that they couldn't tell me if that meant multiples. The numbers kept raising fairly quickly, and I was back on the computer researching. ;)
My numbers could indicate more than one baby, maybe even 3 or more.
Then the day came when how many babies we might have quickly left my thoughts. I started bleeding. I reminded my self that the same thing happened with Hunter. I was informed once again that it could be a side effect of the medication I was taking. As it got worse, they asked me to be on modified bed rest and increase my progesterone.
I ended up getting really scared and went to the emergency room. Bad idea! They did an ultrasound and after waiting for what seemed like forever, the doctor came in, and asked if I knew what a molar pregnancy was. I had actually just read about it because having high HCG numbers was a symptom, but my numbers were not quite that high. He said that he didn't think I was pregnant and that I actually had a tumor growing inside of me that needed to be removed. He said he wanted me to to go home and wait to talk to my high risk doctor and let him decide what to do next.
That was the beginning of a roller coaster ride from Hell. I went to see my doctor the next morning full of terror, but to my surprise, he found a fetal pole and sac. He said at this point in pregnancy, that was exactly what he would expect to see. He said I did have a blood clot that was causing the bleeding. I was asked to lay down as much as possible and told not to lift.
I have the most amazing friends and family and was actually able to do that even with a 2 year old at home.
It wasn't easy laying down so much. I am not a person who does well sitting still. Plus it gave me way too much time to read scary things on the internet. It was really hard on Brook and Hunter too. The silver lining in that is that they grew closer during this time.
The bleeding continued and then the cramping started. This is when I really started to worry. I decided to go take a warm shower to relax. In the shower I started getting the worse pain I have ever experienced that went shooting into my right shoulder. If it had been my left, I would have been certain I was having a heart attack. I screamed for Brook to call 911. He came up stairs and I was violently vomiting due to the extreme pain. I remembered that panic attacks can mimic heart attacks, and the pain was starting to let up a little. It was only hours before my doctors office opened, and I didn't want to go back to the ER, so I took a Vicodin(something they said would be somewhat safe in pregnancy,) and then I rested the best I could on the couch counting down the minutes till we could call my doctor.
He got me in right away and did an ultrasound. I had gotten good at reading ultrasounds, and I immediately spotted the little heartbeat flicker on the screen. He showed us and said, the little one seemed to be doing fine. Then he moved around a little and showed us another little heart beat. It was only seconds later that he explained that it was a tubal pregnancy, but for those seconds I again imagined life with twins. He told us that that even though the twin was growing as expected and had a strong heartbeat, that we would have to have this baby removed right away, or we could all 3 die.I will blog again about the effects of having to agree to let a doctor remove a live child from my body.
My doctor was amazing and supportive, but the anesthesiologist, was horrible. I know it is required to explain the risks of pregnancy, but made a point to tell me about 5 times how risky this surgery would be to the other baby. He kept saying it would be so much better if I was in my second trimester. It was like he didn't have a clue that allowing this baby to grow much longer could cause serious problems even death.
My doctor was amazing. Since I was pregnant, they couldn't give me the same anesthesia that most people would have for this surgery. They couldn't give me the "forget me not" drug. I was wide awake as they rolled me into the surgery room. I was terrified and in a state of shock. They hooked up the medication and placed a mask over my face as a tear rolled down my cheek. Dr. Whitten wiped the tear off my cheek and said, "We are going to do everything possible to let you walk out of here still pregnant." That simple gesture was one of most kind things anyone has done for me.
I woke up from the surgery hearing nurses having normal day to day conversations. The moment on nursed noticed I was awake, she came over and told me that everything went great and my baby was just fine! It was a strange moment of grief and joy combined. I will always know that Wyatt's twin had to be removed, but I will also always know, that I gave permission for doctors to kill my baby. :(
I went home on much stricter bed rest. I was willing to do anything to help this little fighter continue fighting. I had many more ultrasounds and they monitored the bleeding. The baby was growing fine and the clot was looking better. Finally my doctor said I could start seeing my regular OB. He recommended doing the screening for birth defects because that would allow us to work with a high risk specialist, although he assured me, he no longer considered me high risk.
We debated on the tests, but the 3D ultrasounds and high risk doctor was very appealing to me, so we agreed. The first tests came back perfect. We had our appointment and everything seemed fine. Then the doctor came in and talked to us about the blood clot. She wasn't reassuring at all. She was only in the room a few minutes, but she managed to shake my confidence in this pregnancy. She said the blood clot was causing a 30% separation. When I asked when we would see her again she replied with as little emotion as possible, "Well, hopefully in 6 weeks." That was one of many times I left that office with tears streaming down my face full of questions and doubt.
Following more bleeding spells and lots of time on the couch, I made it to that 6 week appointment. It was the one that they were going to be able to tell the sex of the baby. We decided to let it be a surprise we shared with our family at a gender reveling party. I was much more concerned about the status of the the blood clot and the test results. (They told us the second set of results showed a high risk for Down Syndrome)They did the ultrasound and found many more markers for a chromosomal problems. The biggest concern was that the baby was weeks behind in size.
The doctor said that the blood tests and ultrasound were not able to diagnose anything, she was pretty certain our baby had Downs Syndrome and/or something worse. She started asking our feelings about abortion. I was angered and quickly answered that there was no way we would choose that. She started to explain some of the possible things our baby might have. She called them, "fatal" diagnoses. I realized that I answered without even giving Brook a chance. I looked at him and asked, "We are not interested in THAT right?" The doctor to continued to explain about the awful effects some of these chromosomal problems can have and that many would eventually cause the baby to die. She strongly encouraged us to have an amnio test done. I was terrified to do this because of the slight risk of miscarriage. She explained that having these answers can really help in the decisions we make down the road. We decided to give it some time to think it over and and let the baby grow more. Every appointment I asked about the blood clot, and she would blow it off.
We left that appointment with an envelope that would tell us if we were having a boy or a girl. I decided that since we had no control over any of this, to just enjoy every moment we had. I went to the bakery and asked them to make a cake filled with either pink or blue frosting. We arranged the party and let everyone join us in finding out what was in that little envelope. The frosting was pink and I instantly began imagining life with a little girl with Down's Syndrome. At this point that is what we were praying for.
Brook and I had long discussions on abortion. I was arguing that there is nothing they could tell us that would cause me to choose that option. I read about doctors being wrong, and about children surviving some of the worst diagnoses. The real truth was that I knew I could never forgive myself if I made that choice. After long debates, we decided that we would let the baby live as long as "she" could and that we would make those difficult decisions about how long to provide life support later.
At the next appointment the doctor said she couldn't tell for sure if we were having a boy or a girl. She said the baby had ambiguous genitalia which was another sign of a chromosome problem. She urged us again to do the amnio test. We agreed. My fluid levels were a little low that day though, so we had to schedule it for another day. I asked about the blood clot, and she said "It has nothing to do with this."
We came into her office for that appointment and it was as if she didn't know who I was. She explained the procedure and then began. She said that there was blood in the fluid. She had a puzzled look on her face and asked, "Did you have any bleeding with this pregnancy?" I couldn't believe she would ask that. She knew about the massive amounts of blood I lost. I reminded her of the blood clot, and she said that the blood wasn't a concern. I asked again about the blood clot, and she said it was gone!
The first tests results came back clear, and so did the second and the third, and the blood clot was gone, so at our next appointment I went in expecting great news. We were told that the baby was a boy, and that was a shock. We were told we might have to decide if we would raise our child as a boy or a girl. She said he is chromosomally a boy, but it looked like he would have female genitalia.Talk about another crazy conversation to have with your husband.
At this appointment the tech doing the ultrasound was making small talk with us, but I could read the worry on her face. I started asking questions about our Wyatt. I asked if he had grown. She said he had, but not much. She said my fluid levels were really low, but she didn't go into detail. Then the doctor came in and started explaining our situation. She said she was still concerned that he had a chromosome problems and that sometimes, very rarely, they can be wrong.
I wasn't quite getting what she was saying. My mom came with me to this appointment, but Brook was at work. The doctor asked us to come into her office to talk. She explained that I had very little fluid left, and the without it, the "baby's lungs couldn't develop. ( We had asked them to call the baby Wyatt, but they never did. They seemed so detached.) She said typically in this situation since I was past 24 weeks, they would do an emergency C-section, but since "the baby" was so small, he wouldn't survive. Then the most awful words came out of her mouth, "expect fetal demise in the next few days or weeks."
An awful pain started in my stomach and my world started to spin. She said they don't have tube small enough to help him breathe. I couldn't understand why I couldn't get the fluid back or why we couldn't find a smaller tube. I refused to just go home and let him die.I left the office in tears once again. How was I going to explain all this to Brook? I actually don't remember the rest of that day.
News quickly spread to my friends and family. So fast I wasn't ready for it. I decided to spend my time researching other possibilities. I read about a procedure that can temporarily replace fluid. I found articles about really small babies surviving. I researched hospitals that had better success.
Oh I remember more of that awful day. We met with a neonatologist from Renown. She basically said if we "asked them to deliver him early," that he would likely suffer and had basically no chance of survival. I ended up getting the steroid shot even though we really thought we were giving up at that point.
I started calling around to different hospitals around the country. I couldn't believe that I actually got a hold of the doctor in Illinois. I was even more surprised when he started talking about the statistics of a child Wyatt's size and age. He said he had a fighting chance! I began a huge battle getting approval from our insurance to go to see him and the doctors their. The record smallest baby was born at that hospital and is now in college.
Against our high risk doctor's advice, we flew to Illinois and met with the doctors there. They were ready to admit me to the hospital and deliver him that day if needed. They said they would hook me up to oxygen and try some other things to try and help Wyatt (they always called him by his name) stay in longer.
After the ultrasound, they discovered that Wyatt was much worse off than first discovered. They said he was anemic, and they couldn't even find his lungs. The told us they would do what ever we wanted, and that they would fight for Wyatt, but they agreed that his chances were slim and that he would likely suffer.
It was as strange moment. The way these doctors approached it, I felt like for the first time, I could let the "momma bear" fight down and really start to think. I thought about Wyatt, Brook, Hunter and even my self. Brook and I decided it would be best to go home and let Wyatt rest comforted in my womb until he passed.
The doctor told us that there was no indication that he was suffering and that he would slowly lose oxygen in his brain and feel as though he was falling asleep.
We flew home and I listened to my heart beat monitor many times a day. He kept on fighting for a few more days. (Much longer than the Reno doctor thought) I woke up on October 8th 2012 and I just knew he was gone. I hooked up the monitor and wasn't surprised at all to find no heartbeat. This was one more moment of a strange mixture of emotions. The greatest emotion I felt was actually relief.
We went to the ER and met my regular OB, Dr. Najima, I will post another time about how amazingly supportive she was through all of this. She confirmed that Wyatt had passed. They began inducing the birth that morning.
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Its getting late and this is already turning into a book, so I will write more later.
I want to thank everyone who has helped us through these past 6 months and through the difficult times during my pregnancy. I really don't know what I would have done without you all.....
Rainbows have always been special to me. I love the idea that in order for us to see that beauty, we need a mixture of sunshine and rain. Pregnancy loss forums often call a baby born after a loss a rainbow baby. My life's storm stopped for a moment to give me the most amazing gift of my life. Hunter Alexander Stine was born September 19th 2010.
People often talk about silver linings. I believe one silver lining of losing our babies is how much I value the life we were given. These losses have made it very clear to me that Hunter is not something to take for granted. I get frustrated and tired just like any other mom, but I am always reminding myself how special EVERY moment with him is.
I am also learning to let go of fear. It is very clear to me that blessings in life can be taken in a moment. I suffered with terrible anxiety after Hunter was born. I feel like I sort of missed the first few months of his life. Instead of worrying about what would I would do without him, I am learning to just be sure to value every second of the time the world lets me have this joy of my life!
I know this post is going to surprise many people, but I am trying to be truthful with this blog. Please do not feel the need to "reach out to me" about religion or God. I am not giving up on the idea completely, I just wanted to blog about what it is like to grieve without a strong belief in God or Heaven. Also I am not upset about anything you all have said to me. I know you all meant well.
Following the loss of my first three children, I was comforted by the thought that I will someday see those babies again. I loved imagining my babies in the arms of Jesus. I was able to lean on God for support through prayer. I was convinced that he would somehow make some good come out of this awful time in my life. This time is so much different. I don't know what I think anymore.
I want to be clear that I had been questioning my beliefs for a long time before losing Wyatt. I know many people lose their faith after a huge loss because they can not understand how God would allow such suffering. As far as I am concerned, I think if there is a God, he has the right to do what ever he wants even if that means doing nothing. Maybe he just set this world in motion and left it up to us. I don't know. For me, it would be so much easier to believe what I used to believe. I want so bad for all of my children to be waiting for me comforted in the arms of a loving God.
Losing Wyatt has made me even more desperate to seek for truth. I know I have a long journey ahead of me, but it is the most important one of my life. I wonder where my precious children are. I wonder if they are really gone forever. I wonder if they are free from pain and suffering. I wonder if I will ever see them again. There are so many different beliefs and views on afterlife.
I have read books like,Heaven is for Real and other accounts of people who said they have seen Heaven. Some stories are similar; some are completely different.Maybe everyone's Heaven is different? I don't know what is motivating people to share. Is it truth, money, attention, mental health issues? I wish I could just naively believe these wonderful stories people tell, but I am just to cynical I guess.
I respect other people's beliefs, but I just don't want to continue ignoring nagging questions. Hopefully this journey will just bring me closer to God. If the Bible is true, it says seek and you will find. I Think this is talking about seeking God and the truth. That is what I am honestly doing, so if the Christian God is the real God, and the Bible is his word, then I believe I will be brought back to him. We will see. People have offered to study this with me. I am just not ready for that yet. I will let you all know if and when that time comes. I am doing my own research for now.
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