***Trigger** Baby Girl Update: Still pretty little, but not showing signs of distress

Information is a blessing and a curse. Time can be the same. For a this hormonal, nervous mother, the combination can sometimes be overwhelming. "Are hiccups a bad sign or good?" "Is she kicking enough?" "Is she kicking too much?" "Is this nausea a sign of Preeclampsia?" "Is my medication a high enough dose?" "Could the medication be causing problems?" and on and on and on.....

Loving advice can be difficult as well. I know that positive thinking is important, but sometimes it is hard when doctors and other people tell me to pay attention to every little detail. At this point I am monitoring how often she kicks, how many calories and protein I am taking in, how many contractions I am having, how often and how long she has the hiccups. This is all on top of the many many tests  the doctors run each week.

So that brings me to today. I decided to stop worrying what the doctor might think and ask my questions.

Preterm Labor:
He decided my contractions are under control enough that we don't need to do a FFN test this time. It is hard for me to not have the reassurance every 2 weeks, but good to know that he is less concerned about preterm labor. She is head down, but he said that doesn't really mean much at this point.

Hiccups:
He said hiccups are a really good sign about how well the placenta is working. He explained it well in the appointment, but I can't really remember enough to post about it here. She had hiccups during my ultrasound too, it was pretty cute. :)

Naseau/Preeclampsia:
He eased my fears about Preeclampsia after checking a few things and asking me a few questions. My regular OB told me that some people are lucky enough to have "morning sickness" return in the 3rd trimester.

Blood Flow:
He said the blood flow to the baby is still off, but he did see a little improvement. It is always good to hear that word. :)

Fluid Levels:
My fluid levels are still great.

Kick counts:
I am supposed to be doing kick counts twice a day now. If she is not kicking 10 times in a hour, I am supposed to go Labor and Delivery right away. So far so good!

Non Stress Test:
She passed another non stress test. I will be having these done 2 times a week.

Growth:
She did grow. She is estimated to weigh about 2pounds and 10ounces. That still puts her about 1.5-2 weeks behind in growth and somewhere in the 10-15%.

Placenta:
Hiccups, good stress tests, and seeing some improvement in blood flow are all good signs that my placenta is still working well enough for now, but he suspects it will become more of an issue as the pregnancy progresses.

Delivery:
He said at that point she will likely need to be delivered by April 16th. That is only 10 days earlier than my due date. I would love to make it that long! As long as she continues to pass the stress tests, and she doesn't drop off in growth too quickly, she should be able to stay in for many more weeks! I still need to rest to prevent preterm labor, and continue to eat lots of calories and protein.

Although I was hoping to see a better change in her growth, I am feeling good after my appointment today. I have decided to focus on what colors will match her nursery best and research about all the fun new Mommy gadgets out there.

**Trigger**Baby Girl Update: Tests, tests and more tests...

We have made it to 29week and 4 days!!! At this point I am being monitored very frequently. Although all these possible complications can be scary, I am very thankful to be working with some wonderful doctors this time around. These doctors are willing to really explain what is going on while also listening to my concerns. They are taking all the information about this current pregnancy as well as my past pregnancies very seriously.

At this point I will be going in to have non-stress tests done twice a week, an ultrasound to check fluid levels and blood flow once a week, FFN tests every 2 weeks and growth checks every 3 weeks along with my regular visits to my OB every 3 weeks. I am also supposed to be doing kick counts twice a day and monitoring my contractions. The doctors are still concerned about my preterm labor symptoms, but what has them most alarmed at this point is the increase in resistance with the blood flow to our baby girl as well as the drop in growth.

Today's appointment started out like usual with the dreaded question... "How many pregnancies have you had?... and how many live births?" No matter how many times I answer that question, it still breaks my heart a little. Then we met with a different doctor than usual, so he wanted us to explain the details of our Wyatt who was still born at 27weeks and 2 days. Although I am very glad that he is trying to put all the pieces together, it is never easy having to go back and re-live those tough memories.

He will be getting my records from that pregnancy as well as Wyatt's autopsy report to help him try to figure out why we are having similar issues again. It is starting to sound like maybe our little girl's complications are not just another round of bad luck and may actually be related to what ever caused us to lose Wyatt. He said it is very uncommon to see such a fall in growth so early, and the blood flow issues are alarming as well.

I am just so thankful that these issues started so much later this time. Even if one of these tests come back with bad news, our baby girl has a very good fighting chance. She is already over 3 times Wyatt's size and her lungs should be much more developed. I am also very glad that this new doctor as well as our other high-risk doctor and our regular OB are all being very cautious about everything. They are working very hard to try and figure out what is going on at the same time as making sure I am being properly monitored. Plus they treat me respectfully.

I was told today that it is actually a good idea to get up and move around at least a little every day, but to still be very careful and rest when I can. I am still working hard to get all the calories they recommend.

 29 Weeks 4 days

1.5 weeks behind in growth (Will recheck on Tuesday)

2.75cm Cervix length (Wasn't measured again)

1cm dilated and soft

Perfect Fluid levels

Still moving well, but not quite as often.

3 Negative FFN tests

Meds doubled to help control contractions

Blood Flow becoming more resistant

Passed first non-stress test

**Trigger**Baby Girl Update: Falling behind in size

"27 Weeks and 2 days, 27 weeks and 2 days..... 27 weeks and 2 days..." This has been repeating in my head for a while now. That was the point our little Wyatt made it to, and that is the point I am at with this pregnancy. Too much free time lets my mind wonder, and I have been working hard to keep my thoughts positive, but in the night my dreams take over and fear creeps in.

In my dream, We entered the ultrasound office full of hope. At first everything seems fine, but suddenly the bad news floods in. The doctor looks at the blood flow and measures the baby size and says that we need to deliver her right away. I think to myself, 'This can't be happening!' There are a bunch of other weird complications, and I feel out of control.

I was so glad to when I woke up, but the worry was starting to creep into my day.

 
In my Real appointment, We enter the ultrasound office and talk with the doctor. Everything seems fine. The doctor checks the blood flow, and my heart starts to race. He then measures her and says, she is about 1.5 weeks behind in growth. I feel the panic start to set it, but the doctor assures me that I will be monitored weekly and recommends talking with a nutritionist/dietitian. He recommends that I keep track of my calorie intake and be sure that I am getting 2,000-2,200 calories a day.

I will now be seeing the high risk specialist weekly for blood flow and fluid checks. In 3 weeks he will measure her again, and if she is still behind in size, he will run additional tests and decided where to go from there. From my previous experience, I know that that means it is possible they will decide to induce me and deliver her early to be sure she is growing properly. Sometimes it is better for a baby to be out than in.

I am left wondering once again, Why? What is causing another baby to not grow properly. With Wyatt it was due to multiple blood clots and because the cord had a knot. The blood flow tests showed there was a problem with him, but so far our little girl doesn't seem to have any blood flow issues. So what is causing her to not grow? The doctor asked me to take in more calories, and I will be sure to do that, but it is not like I am not eating regularly or having problems with morning sickness still or anything.

It seems very strange to be seeing my regular OB every 2 weeks in order to try to prevent preterm labor, while seeing my High Risk doctor weekly to see if we need to induce me. Either way, it is looking more likely that we will be spending some time in the NICU. With all my experience with pregnancy complications and loss, I have never experienced what it is like to be a parent of a baby in a NICU, and I am really hoping I never have to.

From my research and from discussions with my doctors, I have learned that there is not much known about how much bed rest will help with preterm labor and/or growth issues. Most doctors and researchers claim that some restriction of activity is helpful. I am going to continue to spend most of my time on the couch or my bed. I am also going to make sure to eat more and be sure to get extra protein. I will also be meeting with a dietitian for help in that area. 

So many things about this pregnancy remind me of Wyatt, but there are so many things that are different as well. First off, the high risk doctor has a much better bedside manner, and I feel like I can really trust that he is taking every precaution. He explains everything and encourages questions. Our little girl is smaller than she should be, but she is already about 3 times larger than Wyatt was at this point. Another thing that is very different this time is that I have plenty of amniotic fluid, so her lungs are able to develop properly.

Some days are going to be harder than others, and today is certainly one of them. I am thankful that I will be getting to see her weekly and that I have 2 doctors that I trust on our side. Not to mention all the awesome friends and family supporting us! I will never stop thanking you all.

27 Weeks 2 days

1.5 weeks behind in growth

2.75cm Cervix length

1cm dilated

Perfect Fluid levels

Lots of movement

2 Negative FFN tests

Contractions controlled by Meds

*Trigger* Baby Girl Stine: We have made it to 25 weeks.

We have made it to 25 weeks! Every week and every day makes such a huge difference for her development. We had a Fetal Fibronectin Test done at our last appointment and it was negative! This is a huge relief. These results mean that I have about a 1% chance of going in to labor within 2 weeks of the test. My doctor will retest every 2-3 weeks.  http://www.ffntest.com/

As for me. I am taking it easy still, but I have been getting up a little more each day monitoring my contractions. The doctors say bedrest hasn't been proven to make a difference, but I notice more contractions when I am moving around, so I am staying on the couch as much as I can. Brook will be going back to work on Monday, so I am working on figuring out ways to get Hunter to be more self sufficient. Luckily he starts preschool on Tuesday. It's just 2 days a week, but I am excited for him. He hasn't had much activity lately, and he hasn't had much time with other kids.


 I want to thank all my awesome friends and family for your love and support through out this pregnancy. It means so much to me to have so many people who already love our little girl. I am feeling pretty hopeful lately.

*Trigger*: Baby Girl Stine: Concern for Pre-Term Labor

Following multiple losses, it is difficult to relax and enjoy a pregnancy. I just over 22 weeks pregnant and doing my best to enjoy the amazing wonders of growing life inside of me. Up to this point, things have gone pretty well, but today I had a bit of an alarming appointment with my OB, and I am back to limiting my activity, and we had to cancel our travel plans.

Although I would do anything for this little one, it is hard to sit still and wonder how things will play out. I have been having braxton hick contractions quite frequently, and some have been painful. I called my doctor on Friday and was put on a medication to help. The contractions have gone from about 4/hour to 4/day, so they are helping. My lavender essential oil has helped in between doses of medication.

We had an ultrasound today that shows our little girl is growing like she should. They looked closely at her heart as well and everything looks great! My fluid levels are perfect as well. These are all things that make me smile. They checked and said that I am 1 cm dilated and combined with the contractions, they are treating me to prevent pre-term labor.

I am all too familiar with the complications that can arise from an early delivery. I researched micro-preemies with Wyatt's pregnancy. Although she is already bigger than Wyatt was, her lungs are not developed enough to survive outside my body. Typically at 24 weeks they consider a baby viable. I have 2 weeks to go. That is a close goal I can focus on although I know that delivering at 24 weeks is not a good thing. I did also learn that girls tend to do better in the NICU. I am hopeful we will not have to find out.

So now I sit and try to relax. I am thankful our little girl is such a mover. Each kick, wiggle and roll lift my spirits. Although I hate admitting I need help, I will likely be asking for some help in the next few weeks. I am supposed to limit my activity as much as possible. That can be a difficult task with a 3 year old running around.With the holidays ahead, we should be surrounded with family, and I am thankful for that!

***Trigger*** An Honest Post about Mental Health

Today I feel depressed......

Throughout my life I have been told, "You are so strong." Somehow I got it in my head that I had to always be "so strong," but what does that really mean? To truly be strong a person needs to be honest and real, so hear goes.


Anxiety and depression have plagued my life for years, and today is no exception. Although I know that everything in my life right now is pretty fantastic, I can't shake these awful feelings of hopelessness and fear. Some days are better than others, and I am pretty good at putting up a front. Part of my intention with this blog is make pregnancy and infant loss less of a taboo subject, but there is one other subject that is often just as neglected, and that is mental health.

Each day I question my desire to put up such a front. One is a valid reason. If I try to seek the good out of everyday, I do feel a little better. If I allow myself to drown in these thoughts and feelings, I fear I will never climb out. But there is a difference in trying to pull myself up and trying to ignore the truth. The other reason I push these feelings aside is that I feel I don't have the right to feel this way. Although I have gone through some extremely challenging events, right now things are good. It feels wrong to be depressed when I have a healthy baby growing inside of me and a healthy son by my side.

Whether I should be allowed these feelings or not doesn't really matter. The fact is this is how I feel, and now I need to figure out what to do about it. In the past I have become so depressed and/or anxious, that I needed medication, and I am thankful that was an option. Since I am pregnant, I am going to try to avoid that option for now. I know exercise has helped me in the past, so I have signed up for a prenatal belly dance class. Today I am trying some Doterra essential oils as well. I am trying to think of things that sound fun or at least interesting, but I am having trouble thinking of anything. My therapist has reminded me that sometimes going through the motion of a "happy" person can help remind me of what I find good/fun. It's important to make yourself do things that were once fun and eventually these things will be fun again.

I wanted to be sure to post about this issue because so often people are afraid to talk about it. My therapist also pointed out that I am walking a difficult road right now. She said that most people following a traumatic event try to avoid anything that might trigger those memories. In my case, I am living those reminders everyday. This is actually a more healthy way to deal with trauma, but it is not easy. On top of all this, I am a hormonal mess and I am exhausted. I don't mean to sound ungrateful because there are many things about this pregnancy that are healing, but it does help me to understand where these thoughts and feelings are coming from.

So, there is an honest blog for you all. I hope it helps someone else out there. I know writing it has helped me.

****Trigger**** Parenting after a loss

Parenting is one of the most challenging and rewarding experiences I have ever experienced. In my case, before getting the opportunity to raise a child, I lost 3 precious babies due to miscarriages. I struggle trying to explain how that has altered my parenting. I read a blog the other day that was titled, "I love my children more than you." The parent was trying to explain how after a loss, one is more likely to not take things for granted when it come to the joys of parenting. I don't completely agree with this statement though. I often say something similar. I am a better parent than I would have been if I had never lost a child.

Our situation is so much more complicated though. Hunter is technically a middle child and an only child all at once. I lost 3 babies before him and 2 babies after him, and I am now carrying  another brother or sister. One thing Hunter has gained from these experiences is the ebb and flow of real life. He has seen genuine emotion in our home. He has a strong bond with other people in his life especially grandparents and his Daddy.

The first few months of Hunter's life, I was plagued with extreme postpartum anxiety. I know hormones had a lot to do with it, but having previous loses played a major roll as well. I feel like I missed out on those few months, but I feel comforted knowing that he was always taken care of and loved by family as well as myself even on my most challenging days. 

After getting a handle on my anxiety through medication, therapy and tremendous support,  I began truly enjoying being a Mommy. I weaned myself off the medication and continued to love this new role. I took pictures constantly, (Still do.) I set up activities and joined mommy groups. We went on lots of amazing play dates and just soaked up life together. 

Anytime I felt exhausted or frustrated I would sing that "You're Gonna Miss This" song to myself. Just as any parent, I have times of total melt down and freak outs, but I think these times happen less often because I know how precious every moment is.

A whole new wave began when we decided to try again for a child. I had just had blood-work and even an exploratory surgery. The doctors told us that this was a great time to try again because everything looked perfect. The stress of trying again changed the dynamic in our house. Once I was actually pregnant again, the symptoms interrupted Hunter and my normal routine. Very early in this pregnancy there were problems and I was put on bed rest. I was told I was carrying twins, but one was tubal, so I had to have surgery. 

I was stuck in bed or on the couch for quite a while. Hunter didn't understand this and didn't transition well. He began acting out. I did my best to spend quality time with him, but it wasn't the same. This is when my amazing family and friends stepped in. Although my time with him had drastically changed, he was once again filled with love and attention by other amazing people in our lives. He bonded even more with Daddy too. 

I feel Hunter and I grew further apart during the ups and downs of this pregnancy. After losing Wyatt, I went through a period of depression. We decided it would be best for everyone to have Hunter in a preschool a few days a week. He loved it and it gave me time to take care of myself. As time passed and I went through many stages of grief, Hunter was a great encouragement. I wanted to feel better for him, and then eventually for myself as well.

It's been just over a year now since we lost Wyatt. I am pregnant again and things are going well. I recently realized though that we are still not anywhere close to the place we were before. I still do activities with him and go on play dates, but something is just different. The piece that is missing is that I don't actually fully enjoy these times together the same way I did before. It's been especially challenging lately. I couldn't quite figure out "what was wrong with me" until my appointment with my therapist today.

She reminded me that we just spread Wyatt's ashes a few weeks ago and that dealing with that anniversary is probably more challenging for me that I realize. I am just on another dip of this roller coaster of grief. Knowing this is actually encouraging. Because I know I have been here before and I made my way back. Another encouraging thought is how resilient kiddos are. Throughout all of this, Hunter seems happy, confident and loved. My plan is to take care of myself, so I can get back to the Mommy I want be. 

So long story short, every life experience truly effects anyone's parenting. Loosing a child can make parenting more challenging as well as more enjoyable. Life teaches us to not take anything or anyone for granted.