*Trigger*: Baby Girl Stine: Concern for Pre-Term Labor

Following multiple losses, it is difficult to relax and enjoy a pregnancy. I just over 22 weeks pregnant and doing my best to enjoy the amazing wonders of growing life inside of me. Up to this point, things have gone pretty well, but today I had a bit of an alarming appointment with my OB, and I am back to limiting my activity, and we had to cancel our travel plans.

Although I would do anything for this little one, it is hard to sit still and wonder how things will play out. I have been having braxton hick contractions quite frequently, and some have been painful. I called my doctor on Friday and was put on a medication to help. The contractions have gone from about 4/hour to 4/day, so they are helping. My lavender essential oil has helped in between doses of medication.

We had an ultrasound today that shows our little girl is growing like she should. They looked closely at her heart as well and everything looks great! My fluid levels are perfect as well. These are all things that make me smile. They checked and said that I am 1 cm dilated and combined with the contractions, they are treating me to prevent pre-term labor.

I am all too familiar with the complications that can arise from an early delivery. I researched micro-preemies with Wyatt's pregnancy. Although she is already bigger than Wyatt was, her lungs are not developed enough to survive outside my body. Typically at 24 weeks they consider a baby viable. I have 2 weeks to go. That is a close goal I can focus on although I know that delivering at 24 weeks is not a good thing. I did also learn that girls tend to do better in the NICU. I am hopeful we will not have to find out.

So now I sit and try to relax. I am thankful our little girl is such a mover. Each kick, wiggle and roll lift my spirits. Although I hate admitting I need help, I will likely be asking for some help in the next few weeks. I am supposed to limit my activity as much as possible. That can be a difficult task with a 3 year old running around.With the holidays ahead, we should be surrounded with family, and I am thankful for that!

***Trigger*** An Honest Post about Mental Health

Today I feel depressed......

Throughout my life I have been told, "You are so strong." Somehow I got it in my head that I had to always be "so strong," but what does that really mean? To truly be strong a person needs to be honest and real, so hear goes.


Anxiety and depression have plagued my life for years, and today is no exception. Although I know that everything in my life right now is pretty fantastic, I can't shake these awful feelings of hopelessness and fear. Some days are better than others, and I am pretty good at putting up a front. Part of my intention with this blog is make pregnancy and infant loss less of a taboo subject, but there is one other subject that is often just as neglected, and that is mental health.

Each day I question my desire to put up such a front. One is a valid reason. If I try to seek the good out of everyday, I do feel a little better. If I allow myself to drown in these thoughts and feelings, I fear I will never climb out. But there is a difference in trying to pull myself up and trying to ignore the truth. The other reason I push these feelings aside is that I feel I don't have the right to feel this way. Although I have gone through some extremely challenging events, right now things are good. It feels wrong to be depressed when I have a healthy baby growing inside of me and a healthy son by my side.

Whether I should be allowed these feelings or not doesn't really matter. The fact is this is how I feel, and now I need to figure out what to do about it. In the past I have become so depressed and/or anxious, that I needed medication, and I am thankful that was an option. Since I am pregnant, I am going to try to avoid that option for now. I know exercise has helped me in the past, so I have signed up for a prenatal belly dance class. Today I am trying some Doterra essential oils as well. I am trying to think of things that sound fun or at least interesting, but I am having trouble thinking of anything. My therapist has reminded me that sometimes going through the motion of a "happy" person can help remind me of what I find good/fun. It's important to make yourself do things that were once fun and eventually these things will be fun again.

I wanted to be sure to post about this issue because so often people are afraid to talk about it. My therapist also pointed out that I am walking a difficult road right now. She said that most people following a traumatic event try to avoid anything that might trigger those memories. In my case, I am living those reminders everyday. This is actually a more healthy way to deal with trauma, but it is not easy. On top of all this, I am a hormonal mess and I am exhausted. I don't mean to sound ungrateful because there are many things about this pregnancy that are healing, but it does help me to understand where these thoughts and feelings are coming from.

So, there is an honest blog for you all. I hope it helps someone else out there. I know writing it has helped me.

****Trigger**** Parenting after a loss

Parenting is one of the most challenging and rewarding experiences I have ever experienced. In my case, before getting the opportunity to raise a child, I lost 3 precious babies due to miscarriages. I struggle trying to explain how that has altered my parenting. I read a blog the other day that was titled, "I love my children more than you." The parent was trying to explain how after a loss, one is more likely to not take things for granted when it come to the joys of parenting. I don't completely agree with this statement though. I often say something similar. I am a better parent than I would have been if I had never lost a child.

Our situation is so much more complicated though. Hunter is technically a middle child and an only child all at once. I lost 3 babies before him and 2 babies after him, and I am now carrying  another brother or sister. One thing Hunter has gained from these experiences is the ebb and flow of real life. He has seen genuine emotion in our home. He has a strong bond with other people in his life especially grandparents and his Daddy.

The first few months of Hunter's life, I was plagued with extreme postpartum anxiety. I know hormones had a lot to do with it, but having previous loses played a major roll as well. I feel like I missed out on those few months, but I feel comforted knowing that he was always taken care of and loved by family as well as myself even on my most challenging days. 

After getting a handle on my anxiety through medication, therapy and tremendous support,  I began truly enjoying being a Mommy. I weaned myself off the medication and continued to love this new role. I took pictures constantly, (Still do.) I set up activities and joined mommy groups. We went on lots of amazing play dates and just soaked up life together. 

Anytime I felt exhausted or frustrated I would sing that "You're Gonna Miss This" song to myself. Just as any parent, I have times of total melt down and freak outs, but I think these times happen less often because I know how precious every moment is.

A whole new wave began when we decided to try again for a child. I had just had blood-work and even an exploratory surgery. The doctors told us that this was a great time to try again because everything looked perfect. The stress of trying again changed the dynamic in our house. Once I was actually pregnant again, the symptoms interrupted Hunter and my normal routine. Very early in this pregnancy there were problems and I was put on bed rest. I was told I was carrying twins, but one was tubal, so I had to have surgery. 

I was stuck in bed or on the couch for quite a while. Hunter didn't understand this and didn't transition well. He began acting out. I did my best to spend quality time with him, but it wasn't the same. This is when my amazing family and friends stepped in. Although my time with him had drastically changed, he was once again filled with love and attention by other amazing people in our lives. He bonded even more with Daddy too. 

I feel Hunter and I grew further apart during the ups and downs of this pregnancy. After losing Wyatt, I went through a period of depression. We decided it would be best for everyone to have Hunter in a preschool a few days a week. He loved it and it gave me time to take care of myself. As time passed and I went through many stages of grief, Hunter was a great encouragement. I wanted to feel better for him, and then eventually for myself as well.

It's been just over a year now since we lost Wyatt. I am pregnant again and things are going well. I recently realized though that we are still not anywhere close to the place we were before. I still do activities with him and go on play dates, but something is just different. The piece that is missing is that I don't actually fully enjoy these times together the same way I did before. It's been especially challenging lately. I couldn't quite figure out "what was wrong with me" until my appointment with my therapist today.

She reminded me that we just spread Wyatt's ashes a few weeks ago and that dealing with that anniversary is probably more challenging for me that I realize. I am just on another dip of this roller coaster of grief. Knowing this is actually encouraging. Because I know I have been here before and I made my way back. Another encouraging thought is how resilient kiddos are. Throughout all of this, Hunter seems happy, confident and loved. My plan is to take care of myself, so I can get back to the Mommy I want be. 

So long story short, every life experience truly effects anyone's parenting. Loosing a child can make parenting more challenging as well as more enjoyable. Life teaches us to not take anything or anyone for granted.

A Wave of Light Honoring all our Babies

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. This evening at 7pm in all time zones around the world, people will be lighting candles in honor of babies lost. Last year this day came only a week after we lost Wyatt. It provided us with an opportunity to grieve a little more publicly than we may have with out it. I invited others to light a candle in his honor. I was overwhelmed with the photos and kind words that came flooding in.

We lit candles for our 5 precious babies as well as a larger candle honoring the babies of friends and family as well as those I don't know. 

At this time, I remember feeling like I was just going through the motions, and in a way I was. I remember asking myself, "Why do we use flowers to help people who are grieving?" "What is the point of these ceremonies and candles and such?" A year later I have an answer to those questions. It's because we feel it's all we can do. It's because a year later, a calming thought goes through your mind that "I honored those lives the best I could at the time." It's more for the people going through grief than the ones lost. It's all an important part of the healing process.

Following my earlier losses, I worked hard to push feelings away. I made a point to forget dates and stay away from anything that might trigger a tear. I did my share of crying, but I never really let myself feel the true feelings of the loss. I was scared that I wouldn't be able to handle it. I was scared that others wouldn't understand. I was scared that if I allowed myself to sink so low, I would never get back out. Those fears were around with Wyatt's loss as well, but I had a different approach with his loss. I surrounded myself with people I love. I allowed myself to sink so deep into my grief that I scared my self, but I did get out! I came out stronger and with a fight and a mission.

I love this song. Re-arrange Again

 

"Let it all out; let your guard down; let it fall down, and Re-arrange again."

No one should have to grieve in silence. No one should feel alone during a time like this. I will talk about my babies. I will live a life that honors them. I will reach out to others in pain and be that shoulder so many amazing people have been for me.

For more information about the remembrance day as well as the Wave of Light event tonight at 7pm check out this link. http://www.october15th.com/

Honoring Wyatt

Today I woke up, and it felt like I was going through a crash version of each phase of grief. From denial to anger to questioning every impossible decision we were faced with. My main concern was figuring out a way to truly honor Wyatt. I worried that if I didn't do things exactly right or feel the "right" emotions I would be somehow letting him down.

  So how do you honor such a short life when that life made such a huge impact upon everyone one us? After many tears and a great appointment with my therapist, I realized that today was just a small part of a huge goal. I also realized that part of the advice to "take care of my self" is to allow myself to feel what ever I feel without judgement. This is something I will have to work on.We decided it was time to spread Wyatt's ashes. I had this beautiful plan in mind that we could spread his ashes at Galena Creek . I liked the idea that no mater where we are, I could find water and remember him. For so long I was worried to let go of the ashes. I felt like it was one of the last final things I could have a sense of control over. I have come to understand that control is only an illusion.

We took a few of his ashes and put it into a special memorial necklace. I put that necklace around the neck of a build of Bear that I made last year in his honor. The bear also has a sound recording of his heart beat. Although I know there is no way that bear could even come close to replacing our sweet Wyatt, I have learned that simple gestures like this are a healthy part of coping with grief.
 
On this beautiful crisp morning Brook and I took a walk and talked about our time with Wyatt. We took some flowers from our yard and let them float down the creek along side our precious Wyatt's ashes. It was a peaceful intimate moment that was perfect for us.

On October 13th, we will be participating in  A Time of Remembrance local event. During this time is when I will feel like I am truly honoring him. I am sharing the song I wrote, and giving a brief talk about our experience. I will be talking about the Spread the Love cards I created and some about a support group I helped to start. Northern Nevada MISS. 
 
I am going to honor Wyatt by creating a legacy for him. Because he was here, I have been changed. Because he was here, others will be comforted. Because he was here, random acts of kindness will be spread around the world.

**Trigger** Dear Wyatt: Happy Birthday

Dear Wyatt,

I awoke this morning with a broken, yet thankful heart. Today we should be happily celebrating your 1 year birthday. Today I should be hiding gifts around house, so you don't find them to try to open early. I should be making sure my camera is ready, so I can capture all the amazing memories of the day. I should be anticipating how you will react to a whole delicious cake sitting within reach.I should be able to hug you tight this special morning and tell you,"Happy Birthday! We all love you so much!" Even without all the things that should have been, I am still thankful for you and thankful for surviving a whole year with out you.

I am thankful that I was blessed with the opportunity to carry you for 27weeks and 2 days. I am thankful I was given the chance to love you, fight for you and be your Mommy. I am thankful for the amazing people I now have in my life because of you. I am thankful for how much I learned about my family and friend's love for me and for you. I am thankful for how you make me want to be a better Mommy for your brother Hunter.

Today we honor you, but that will never stop. Today we talk about you and remember you, and that will never stop. Today we celebrate you, miss you and love you more than you could know, an this will never stop.

My little fighter, my sweet precious boy, Happy Birthday! We all love and miss you so much!

With Love Always

Mommy

**Trigger** Pregnancy following a loss: The roller coaster ride continues

At almost 11 weeks along, I feel like any pregnant Momma does. Constant nausea, migraines, exhaustion, and mood swings are all a part of the experience. I keep reminding myself that these are all good signs, and that I am blessed to have the opportunity to feel this way as a life grows inside of me. The trouble is, I am also coming upon the one year anniversary of losing our Wyatt.

When ever I begin to think of the memories of last year, I allow fear, and guilt to sneak back in. These are battles I thought I fought and won. I guess I will always question our decision to not deliver Wyatt early. I have repeated a phrase in my head for the last year trying to remind myself,
"We did everything we could for him and made the most difficult decision of our life based on love and research." Although I still know that statement is true, it is not making things easier as his birthday approaches.

One year ago today, my heart was filled with such HOPE. We had fought and won approval from our insurance company to fly to Illinois to meet with doctors who said Wyatt had a chance. On October 4th of 2012, I listened to Wyatt's heart beat and felt him move inside of me. We flew to Illinois and sat in our hotel waiting. The next day we were to meet with a THE doctor who delivered 2 of the smallest babies in the world. Those babies grew up to be healthy and happy adults.

The next day, October 5th, we met with the doctors. They told us that because he was so small, and because I was so low on fluid, they couldn't find his lungs. They also discovered that he was extremely anemic. That was in addition to the fact that he was so small he would likely break a record if he was born alive. They informed us that if he did survive he wouldn't be able to breathe on his own and that the interventions that would be required, would likely cause him to be blind. There were many other complications they discussed with us as well.

One thing they did say that will stick with me forever was something like this,  "What ever you choose, we will fight with you." At that moment I felt like I could let go of my Momma bear feeling and really think. I thought about what this would mean for Wyatt. He would be alive, but would likely suffer. I thought about Hunter and my marriage. I even thought about myself. I realized that although all I wanted in that moment was a live baby, that watching that baby suffer just so I could hear that precious cry, is not what I really wanted. We decided to fly home and allow Wyatt to pass peacefully in my womb.
Here is the post I made that day.....

 Wyatt update:
Just made the hardest decision in our lives to let Wyatt go peacefully protected in my womb. It shouldn't be much longer. He has made a turn for the worst and has even more complications than we thought. His chance of surviving birth are extremely low and we have decided to not intervene due to the high chance of suffering. This fight was all about Wyatt, and stopping the fight is for him as well. Thank you all for your support now and the continued support I know you will all be.

 I listened for his heartbeat many times a day the next few days. On October 7th I listened to that heartbeat for the last time before falling asleep. When I woke up on October 8th. I somehow knew I wouldn't find it ever again. I pulled out my Doppler (I-phone app) and searched anyway. I didn't find a heart beat. I called the doctor and headed to the hospital.

So here I am almost one year later trying to enjoy my current pregnancy. I get frustrated with myself when ever I feel like I can't handle these symptoms. Random moments of guilt hit me hard when ever I am happy about this new life inside of me. Although I know nothing could ever replace Wyatt, this new baby makes this upcoming birthday a little easier, yet in it's own way it makes things so much more confusing and difficult as well.

The extra hormones are not helping this roller-coaster of emotions either. I am often reminded by good friends and family to try and take care of myself. I am back to taking things moment by moment. I am going to do my best to allow myself to have happy moments with this pregnancy and forgive myself when I can't.